Today...well today started out very hard for me. I was still having a hard time being strong and keeping it together. I just wanted to cry. I know that for Mia I have to be strong even when I don't want to be. I have a hard time seeking out the support and fully opening myself up to people. I don't want to appear weak or needy. I share a lot on my blog and get a lot of things out there, but there is still so much more to me. So much more that I need to deal with and let go, things that have been bottled up for so long and it's time for me to let them go. I fully believe that you are 100% responsible for choices that you make and just because you have a recovering alcoholic for a mom and a recovering drug and alcohol addict for a father doesn't give you a free ticket to fu** up your life. I have no valid excuse for choices that I have made in my life that are coming back to bite me now, I went in fully aware of the situation. I know that other people influenced the decisions that I made and I fully realize the consequences of my weaknesses.
Last night was so freeing and so heartwarming. You know who you are and thank you so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much that it meant to me to have you there to listen to me. In my entire life I have only opened up to 2 people with as much honesty about my feelings and my *dirty* laundry. I am so glad we met, the way we met isn't our ideal way to meet, but I am glad we found each other. Thank you!!
I also sought support from my (step) father. He is a great guy and has always been there for me. I know that he isn't one to judge or hold grudges. I needed to tell someone that I was crumbling inside, that I could no longer go on everyday pretending that I was ok. I cried, but not as much as I thought I would. After speaking with him I had a sense of relief, like the weight had been lifted. I still had moments of weakness throughout the day and I wanted to cry, but mainly I have held it together. I have also been praying for strength to get me through these weak times.
Mia had her walker fitting today. I expect her to have her walker in about 2 weeks if everything goes smoothly. She actually hasn't been liking the walker as much at PT lately, but when she gets her at home she will be encouraged to use it often. I also might be having a battle with the hospital PT about a charge that they may want me to pay. My insurance is supposed to cover 100% of all of Mia's medical (gotta love the military) stuff, including her PT. Before we began the hospital also confirmed this with the insurance. Today I got a summary of payments made to the hospital from my insurance and their is something for $125 on there that wasn't covered by the insurance and it says "This Is Not A Bill" but that is under the "Amount You Owe" section which I am sure means the hospital will be sending me a bill. I am going to dispute it however because it is not my fault if they performed a service without insurance approval. I just am not in the mood to deal with this right now so I pray that it will all be taken care of on their end and I won't get a bill.
GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally after many many months Mia is going to start 1 of 2 Speech Therapies!! We got the call today but I wasn't home so I will discuss it while I am at the hospital tomorrow. Even better the location is very close to where we live. Right now it takes about 35 minutes to get to Mia's appointments so this will be very nice to only be about 5 minutes away. I am so excited for my lil' girl.
LAZY BONES. Well, as I have said before the young girl who is Mia's OT calls her lazy or lazy bones and it bothers me. My sweet girl is not lazy, she is very determined and a hard worker. Last week the OT was much more positive than ever before and only called her lazy one time. She has a hard time dealing with Mia when Mia won't do what she wants. She fights with her instead of trying to do different things to motivate her to do what she wants her to. So, after the session last week the OT and I were sitting on the floor discussing the schedule for July. At the end I looked her right in the eye and said " I know that I am probably being over sensitive to it and I know that you don't mean anything by it, but I don't like when you call Mia lazy or lazy bones. I am sensitive, but I would appreciate it if you didn't call her that." I said it calmly and very nice. I looked her in the eye the entire time and didn't feel nervous at all. She had a look on her face like someone told her that someone in her family died or a deer in the headlights kind of look on her face. She said "Oh (in shock) ok." I said, " Thanks, see you next week." I left glad that I said something, mad that she didn't apologize but proud that I stuck up for my baby. We will see what happens this week.

My sister is getting married on Saturday so today she treated me and my mom to a massage. It was great. I didn't have a wonderful therapist but it was still great. I haven't had a massage in years!! It was a thank you to us since we have planned almost all of her wedding and done a lot of the work ourselves!!

Not sure what to call this one, so I will leave the title blank. I am having a pretty bad day. I have been very sad/depressed for the past couple of months, but it is getting worse. I have tried my hardest to keep a positive attitude and put on my *strong* face, but I just can't do it anymore. I am crumbling inside. I am having a hard time being around people, mainly all of the ones that live in the house that I am staying at. I just want to be a lone, all alone, to cry, to blog, to sleep all day if I want to and to scream and yell if I so desire. I don't want to be away from Mia, but I don't want her to see me this way. I have no privacy at this house which only makes the situation worse. I have to bottle everything up inside and when I reach my full capacity it all comes out. Today was overflow, literally, the tears would not stop. Every time I thought I had a moment of privacy to just let it all out someone would walk in and I would have to hold it all in. You would think that if you went into the bathroom you would have some privacy, but NO! I guess when you are in the bathroom for over an hour it is pretty obvious (unless you had bad food) you probably are not going to the bathroom. I get interrupted when I am just completely crying, with the tears that could fill up the sink and I hear "Tara!" I try and compose myself. I respond, "yeah." As I hear the feet approaching the door it is "Are you ok" as the door is being pounded on like the police are at the door. I freaken about flipped out. "I am fine!" I won't go on and on, but basically, what do you want Mia to do right now. I know must go and face everyone with my swollen blood shot eyes as I go and get Mia. My mom asks "What happened to your eyes." I rolled them and respond with "Nothing." I give Mia a bath and cry some more and pray so hard that I can compose myself and get Mia out of the bath. I got it together for the most part and came out with Mia and the questions continued. "Are you crying?" Respond:"No" I mean come on don't ask and obvious question. I have Mia all dressed and my mom starts in at me too. I say "I am fine, I don't want to talk." I do want to talk, but not to them. They cannot do anything to fix what is wrong with me and they certainly won't make me feel any better. Even as I try to write this blog, suddenly everyone wants to be in the same room sitting behind me looking at the computer. The questions "What are you doing?" What the f does it look like I am doing, I am on the computer and typing. So, instead I say "Nothing". Duh it is so obvious I am doing something more than nothing, but it's not their business.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

As if I didn't have my fill of crap yesterday, it continued on today. I suppose it is my fault. Ever since Mia was 5 months old the doctors, specialists and therapists have commented on Mia's *slow* but purposeful movements. Up until a couple of weeks ago I figured it was due to her low tone. When she has met the new therapists and they also commented on her *slow* movements I started to think more about it. Why is she so slow...is it her tone or is it something else? So, you would think that since I had such a bad day yesterday I wouldn't chose today to discuss it with her PT, but sometimes hind sight is 20/20. I was going on very little sleep (3.5 hours) so I can use the excuse I wasn't in my right mind. No one in their right mind would ask a question like that after having the kind of day that I had yesterday. Well, I asked and the answer was not what I hoped to hear. I have had 2 big reality checks between today and yesterday. The first one was when I showed up to a special needs class and no one else was there for the class, as if that wasn't a huge slap in my face rubbing it in that my *normal* is so far off from what the rest of the world seems to have as *normal*. I felt so much more like a minority (in the parenting world) than ever before. It was like WHACK TARA, SEE MIA IS DIFFERENT AND YOU NEED TO FACE IT! Today's reality check came when I asked the PT about her *slow* movements. She tells me she thinks that it has more to do with the area of the brain that is *injured* rather than her low tone and that she will probably always be *slow* in her movements. I almost started to cry right there. I was just so upset. In my mind I thought it was the low tone, which I know doesn't go away, but with muscle strengthening it can be somewhat overcome. I figured once she got stronger her movements would get quicker. I cried the whole way home. It isn't only the trained medical people that comment on Mia's *slow* movements, it is also perfect strangers. If people already notice it and she is only 1 I am sure as she gets older it will be even more obvious. I know that I should be channelling my energy into something more positive than crying and complaining about it, but I am on the pot and I am not getting off (at least for now) so boo f'ing hoo for me!

What a Day...

Where to start...today was not a good day...at all. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, confused and flat out finished to say the least. If I had known what the day was going to bring I think I would have passed on the whole "waking up" thing. Let's see, the day started out ok. I was able to finish getting ready, send an email and make a phone call all before Mia woke up. That is always a plus to get things done before she wakes. I usually stay up way too late after she goes to bed just to have time to myself, but it doesn't allow me to be very productive sometimes (like important phone calls). I am hopeful that the Kaye walker will be available to Mia soon, but given the history of everything I won't get too excited. When I called the insurance they didn't have a request for it. When I called the DME the guy that answered was seriously nuts. He like flew off the handle when I called, started to argue with the receptionist about transferring the call to him (while I was on the phone). It was good that I called though because the hospital didn't fax my phone number to them, so if they had questions it wouldn't be easy to get ahold of me. Which, they did need to reach me because the hospital also didn't put my insurance information on the sheet either. Wow, is this the first time they've done this...? (sarcasm)! That gets taken care of and 20 minutes later I get another phone call, the PCM has to fax this request to the insurance, so I hang up and call the doctors office to request this. It's a good thing I called or I would be waiting until me *** falls off to get the walker. So, as it stands now I anticipate approval by the end of the week. I HOPE!

My Gym...well her waddlers class went well with the exception of my oversensitiveness. There are 2 women there who have tiny, scrawny kids, younger than Mia and Mia is clearly petite but a good 5 inches taller than them, these 2 women both constantly call Mia a baby. They keep telling their kids...look at the baby. I am sure they aren't really bscratches and they are just saying it, but it freaken pisses me off. The little things that I let get to me are ridiculous I know, but oh well. The other thing that bothers me is the teachers in the class can't seem to get that Mia can't stand without support. Today Mia was standing holding onto a Little Tikes Basketball (and she even made a basket) and it was time to clean up. The teacher comes up to her and takes the hoop away (her support) well Mia grabs her hand and the lady lets go and walks away meanwhile I am trying to get over to her and another mom runs over and takes her hand. My poor honey. Can't they see she needs more help than that?

Oh that MY GYM makes me very upset. Today, the day I have looked forward to for the past 16 days was the day that was supposed to be the SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS. I get Mia all geared up and excited (and I am already excited). We get there and I kind of wonder...well, what are we the only ones here? All of the teachers are sitting around the floor having a staff meeting and the owner comes up to me and asks what he can do to help me. I reply I am here for the class. He laughs, we don't have classes Monday afternoon. I say, well according to YOUR schedule you do have a class at 4:45 that started today for Special Needs. He walks over to grab a schedule (I am sure to try and prove me wrong) and BAM there it is on the schedule. He then tries to talk his way around it and blame me. He said well, there hasn't been anyone that said they wanted to come to it so it hasn't started yet. (According to them you didn't need to sign up just show up). He keeps offering to call me when it starts up. I explain to him that we already go to the Waddlers Class so I can just get the info during class. He looks at me confused and beats totally around the bush and is all hesitant and crap and stutters (not as in a speech problem, but as in a big fat wuss that is scared to ask) "What exactly are her SPECIAL NEEDS?" Well, what difference does it make. You said you were offering the class I didn't know I needed to discuss her needs with them. Whatever, I reply...she is Globally Delayed (and I said it smartly too). He then says, well, we do have some people interested and we are just waiting to have 2 or 3 and we will start it. (Now he has people interested when 2 seconds ago no one was?) UGH. I was so ANGRY! Like it is easy to have a SN child and then to go and be treated like a fool for showing up was just too much for me today. Mia meanwhile I screaming as we are walking out the door, she was so excited to be there to *play* but no! I left and just loudly said how completely ridiculous this was. I really wanted to *flip out*. How mad am I? I feel like it was a *joke* played on me and I fell for it. Yeah Tara, come on over we will have a great time, then no one else besides me shows up. Thanks.

Lastly, I don't want to get into what totally took my day over the top, but it was something, life changing, that I have suspected for a very long time that finally came to the surface tonight. I am very mixed about it, but emotionally I am just too overwhelmed for anything else right now. I am not going to *call* anyone out on this blog because well, that is just rude, but I am sick of a certain person (not my bloggin buds) that manipulates so much and tonight was a perfect example of it. I am glad that someone else feels better and I feel worse. I am glad that someone else wants everything to be about them. To justify your actions over and over again when you are in the wrong is f'd up to say the least.

Off to bed, I hope tomorrow brings positive experiences and a new least on life. I cannot take much more of my current *life*. I need a break.

Going Backwards

Ok, my mom has high speed internet access, but this is the slowest connection ever!! I haven't posted pictures for a while because of this, but I wanted to put Mia's picture from 1 month ago. Excuse the fact that I have my poor girl in orange and denim, she looks like she matches the little tikes slide!

FRIDAY THE 13th of June...

Ahh!! Where has the time gone? My baby is 22 months old today. In 2 more months I will have a 2 year old, oh my goodness! I truly cannot believe how fast time has gone. I know that your baby is always your baby, but Mia really is a lot more like a baby than other kids even younger than her. I was with my friends nephew who is 18 months old and he seemed so much more *grown* up than Mia. I don't mind her being my baby, of course I would rather her not be globally delayed, but I love her anyway!! Here is the lil 22 month old in her pool today!!

More Evidence of How Blessed We Are...

Since the day that Mia was born I knew that God had a plan for her. Of course her birth was very traumatic and not the way that I prayed for it to be. I knew that God was taking care of her. I knew that He had a plan for her. If He wanted to take her away from us right at birth He could have, but He didn't. A matter of seconds could have changed Mia's story, though her birth was traumatic giving birth to a still born would be tragic. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed Mia the opportunity to live life. I am so thankful that I get to be Mia's mom. Being a mom to a special needs child isn't easy by any means but He thought that I was right for the job! What a huge compliment.
Everyday I know that we are very blessed and so many prayers have been answered for Mia. I know that things could be so different. To see Mia alive and active and to think back at her birth and read the birth records you wouldn't think this is the same kid. Yes, she is globally delayed. Yes, she is approaching 2 years old and has yet to speak and doesn't walk. Yes, the thought of her having to use a walker breaks my heart. I cry a lot. I often feel robbed, then comes the feeling of guilt because she can do so much and I know a lot of other children have more delays than her. I pray that Mia will catch up someday and I am thankful for all of the prayers that have been answered for Mia.
Mia had an OT eval today. I am telling you it is so wonderful to meet with excellent therapists! The OT today was GREAT. Again, like the PT the other day I really liked her, she is very nice. She was so compassionate when I told her Mia's birth story. Yes, I have had to replay her birth so many times lately. Today when I was telling the story I did have to fight back tears but it was also a huge reminder of how far she has come. Of course I want her to develop and achieve milestones like every other child, but the fact of the matter is, she isn't going to. This doesn't mean that the milestones won't be achieved and it doesn't mean when they are achieved that it won't mean as much because it is *late*. In fact it will probably mean even more to me since I know how hard things are for her. She is the sweetest girl and I love her so much!
The OT had so many good things to say about Mia and her abilities. She is also very excited to work with Mia because she said she is much higher functioning than all of the other children she works with. She said she is going to *push* Mia. She also said Mia will be one of those kids that has all of these delays and basically catches up all at once. I know she can't see the future, but this is very promising. It is so nice to have someone give you positive feedback. As far as Mia not stacking blocks and doing things like that she said those skills should be emerging soon and she also said because Mia is so smart that it is all about motivating her to do this stuff. I told her that I wasn't too sure about the infant development teacher, I feel like she doesn't control the session she allows Mia to. Mia and her don't play with the toys because Mia doesn't want to so she doesn't make her. I want her to help Mia not just be a playmate. The OT said that the infant devel should be working on most of the same things that OT is working on. She said most parents complain about the teachers and the lack of controlling the sessions and lack of children achieving their goals. She is going to try and come at the same time as the teacher and give her some suggestions on what she should be doing to help Mia progress.
Today was a good day. Thank you God for answering so many prayers for Mia and helping her get stronger and do more every single day!