Monday, June 30, 2008

The Wedding...

I am still exhausted from "the wedding" but wanted to give a quick update! It went near perfect and what didn't go perfect was very minor. I am very pleased with everything. Not to toot my own horn, but I will...haha!! Toot! Toot! I made the invitation, response cards, maps for directions, the wedding programs, the bridal party bouquets and the boutonniere's, I also made all of the bridal party jewelry and I video taped most of the wedding (except the ceremony). All of this while making sure everything ran smoothly, believe it or not I even had time for some dancin! It was great. Glad that the stress of it is over.

Here is a picture of me (to the left), my sister (the bride) and my other sister Lisa.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Today...well today started out very hard for me. I was still having a hard time being strong and keeping it together. I just wanted to cry. I know that for Mia I have to be strong even when I don't want to be. I have a hard time seeking out the support and fully opening myself up to people. I don't want to appear weak or needy. I share a lot on my blog and get a lot of things out there, but there is still so much more to me. So much more that I need to deal with and let go, things that have been bottled up for so long and it's time for me to let them go. I fully believe that you are 100% responsible for choices that you make and just because you have a recovering alcoholic for a mom and a recovering drug and alcohol addict for a father doesn't give you a free ticket to fu** up your life. I have no valid excuse for choices that I have made in my life that are coming back to bite me now, I went in fully aware of the situation. I know that other people influenced the decisions that I made and I fully realize the consequences of my weaknesses.
Last night was so freeing and so heartwarming. You know who you are and thank you so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much that it meant to me to have you there to listen to me. In my entire life I have only opened up to 2 people with as much honesty about my feelings and my *dirty* laundry. I am so glad we met, the way we met isn't our ideal way to meet, but I am glad we found each other. Thank you!!
I also sought support from my (step) father. He is a great guy and has always been there for me. I know that he isn't one to judge or hold grudges. I needed to tell someone that I was crumbling inside, that I could no longer go on everyday pretending that I was ok. I cried, but not as much as I thought I would. After speaking with him I had a sense of relief, like the weight had been lifted. I still had moments of weakness throughout the day and I wanted to cry, but mainly I have held it together. I have also been praying for strength to get me through these weak times.
Mia had her walker fitting today. I expect her to have her walker in about 2 weeks if everything goes smoothly. She actually hasn't been liking the walker as much at PT lately, but when she gets her at home she will be encouraged to use it often. I also might be having a battle with the hospital PT about a charge that they may want me to pay. My insurance is supposed to cover 100% of all of Mia's medical (gotta love the military) stuff, including her PT. Before we began the hospital also confirmed this with the insurance. Today I got a summary of payments made to the hospital from my insurance and their is something for $125 on there that wasn't covered by the insurance and it says "This Is Not A Bill" but that is under the "Amount You Owe" section which I am sure means the hospital will be sending me a bill. I am going to dispute it however because it is not my fault if they performed a service without insurance approval. I just am not in the mood to deal with this right now so I pray that it will all be taken care of on their end and I won't get a bill.
GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally after many many months Mia is going to start 1 of 2 Speech Therapies!! We got the call today but I wasn't home so I will discuss it while I am at the hospital tomorrow. Even better the location is very close to where we live. Right now it takes about 35 minutes to get to Mia's appointments so this will be very nice to only be about 5 minutes away. I am so excited for my lil' girl.
LAZY BONES. Well, as I have said before the young girl who is Mia's OT calls her lazy or lazy bones and it bothers me. My sweet girl is not lazy, she is very determined and a hard worker. Last week the OT was much more positive than ever before and only called her lazy one time. She has a hard time dealing with Mia when Mia won't do what she wants. She fights with her instead of trying to do different things to motivate her to do what she wants her to. So, after the session last week the OT and I were sitting on the floor discussing the schedule for July. At the end I looked her right in the eye and said " I know that I am probably being over sensitive to it and I know that you don't mean anything by it, but I don't like when you call Mia lazy or lazy bones. I am sensitive, but I would appreciate it if you didn't call her that." I said it calmly and very nice. I looked her in the eye the entire time and didn't feel nervous at all. She had a look on her face like someone told her that someone in her family died or a deer in the headlights kind of look on her face. She said "Oh (in shock) ok." I said, " Thanks, see you next week." I left glad that I said something, mad that she didn't apologize but proud that I stuck up for my baby. We will see what happens this week.

My sister is getting married on Saturday so today she treated me and my mom to a massage. It was great. I didn't have a wonderful therapist but it was still great. I haven't had a massage in years!! It was a thank you to us since we have planned almost all of her wedding and done a lot of the work ourselves!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Not sure what to call this one, so I will leave the title blank. I am having a pretty bad day. I have been very sad/depressed for the past couple of months, but it is getting worse. I have tried my hardest to keep a positive attitude and put on my *strong* face, but I just can't do it anymore. I am crumbling inside. I am having a hard time being around people, mainly all of the ones that live in the house that I am staying at. I just want to be a lone, all alone, to cry, to blog, to sleep all day if I want to and to scream and yell if I so desire. I don't want to be away from Mia, but I don't want her to see me this way. I have no privacy at this house which only makes the situation worse. I have to bottle everything up inside and when I reach my full capacity it all comes out. Today was overflow, literally, the tears would not stop. Every time I thought I had a moment of privacy to just let it all out someone would walk in and I would have to hold it all in. You would think that if you went into the bathroom you would have some privacy, but NO! I guess when you are in the bathroom for over an hour it is pretty obvious (unless you had bad food) you probably are not going to the bathroom. I get interrupted when I am just completely crying, with the tears that could fill up the sink and I hear "Tara!" I try and compose myself. I respond, "yeah." As I hear the feet approaching the door it is "Are you ok" as the door is being pounded on like the police are at the door. I freaken about flipped out. "I am fine!" I won't go on and on, but basically, what do you want Mia to do right now. I know must go and face everyone with my swollen blood shot eyes as I go and get Mia. My mom asks "What happened to your eyes." I rolled them and respond with "Nothing." I give Mia a bath and cry some more and pray so hard that I can compose myself and get Mia out of the bath. I got it together for the most part and came out with Mia and the questions continued. "Are you crying?" Respond:"No" I mean come on don't ask and obvious question. I have Mia all dressed and my mom starts in at me too. I say "I am fine, I don't want to talk." I do want to talk, but not to them. They cannot do anything to fix what is wrong with me and they certainly won't make me feel any better. Even as I try to write this blog, suddenly everyone wants to be in the same room sitting behind me looking at the computer. The questions "What are you doing?" What the f does it look like I am doing, I am on the computer and typing. So, instead I say "Nothing". Duh it is so obvious I am doing something more than nothing, but it's not their business.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

As if I didn't have my fill of crap yesterday, it continued on today. I suppose it is my fault. Ever since Mia was 5 months old the doctors, specialists and therapists have commented on Mia's *slow* but purposeful movements. Up until a couple of weeks ago I figured it was due to her low tone. When she has met the new therapists and they also commented on her *slow* movements I started to think more about it. Why is she so it her tone or is it something else? So, you would think that since I had such a bad day yesterday I wouldn't chose today to discuss it with her PT, but sometimes hind sight is 20/20. I was going on very little sleep (3.5 hours) so I can use the excuse I wasn't in my right mind. No one in their right mind would ask a question like that after having the kind of day that I had yesterday. Well, I asked and the answer was not what I hoped to hear. I have had 2 big reality checks between today and yesterday. The first one was when I showed up to a special needs class and no one else was there for the class, as if that wasn't a huge slap in my face rubbing it in that my *normal* is so far off from what the rest of the world seems to have as *normal*. I felt so much more like a minority (in the parenting world) than ever before. It was like WHACK TARA, SEE MIA IS DIFFERENT AND YOU NEED TO FACE IT! Today's reality check came when I asked the PT about her *slow* movements. She tells me she thinks that it has more to do with the area of the brain that is *injured* rather than her low tone and that she will probably always be *slow* in her movements. I almost started to cry right there. I was just so upset. In my mind I thought it was the low tone, which I know doesn't go away, but with muscle strengthening it can be somewhat overcome. I figured once she got stronger her movements would get quicker. I cried the whole way home. It isn't only the trained medical people that comment on Mia's *slow* movements, it is also perfect strangers. If people already notice it and she is only 1 I am sure as she gets older it will be even more obvious. I know that I should be channelling my energy into something more positive than crying and complaining about it, but I am on the pot and I am not getting off (at least for now) so boo f'ing hoo for me!

Monday, June 16, 2008

What a Day...

Where to was not a good all. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, confused and flat out finished to say the least. If I had known what the day was going to bring I think I would have passed on the whole "waking up" thing. Let's see, the day started out ok. I was able to finish getting ready, send an email and make a phone call all before Mia woke up. That is always a plus to get things done before she wakes. I usually stay up way too late after she goes to bed just to have time to myself, but it doesn't allow me to be very productive sometimes (like important phone calls). I am hopeful that the Kaye walker will be available to Mia soon, but given the history of everything I won't get too excited. When I called the insurance they didn't have a request for it. When I called the DME the guy that answered was seriously nuts. He like flew off the handle when I called, started to argue with the receptionist about transferring the call to him (while I was on the phone). It was good that I called though because the hospital didn't fax my phone number to them, so if they had questions it wouldn't be easy to get ahold of me. Which, they did need to reach me because the hospital also didn't put my insurance information on the sheet either. Wow, is this the first time they've done this...? (sarcasm)! That gets taken care of and 20 minutes later I get another phone call, the PCM has to fax this request to the insurance, so I hang up and call the doctors office to request this. It's a good thing I called or I would be waiting until me *** falls off to get the walker. So, as it stands now I anticipate approval by the end of the week. I HOPE!

My Gym...well her waddlers class went well with the exception of my oversensitiveness. There are 2 women there who have tiny, scrawny kids, younger than Mia and Mia is clearly petite but a good 5 inches taller than them, these 2 women both constantly call Mia a baby. They keep telling their kids...look at the baby. I am sure they aren't really bscratches and they are just saying it, but it freaken pisses me off. The little things that I let get to me are ridiculous I know, but oh well. The other thing that bothers me is the teachers in the class can't seem to get that Mia can't stand without support. Today Mia was standing holding onto a Little Tikes Basketball (and she even made a basket) and it was time to clean up. The teacher comes up to her and takes the hoop away (her support) well Mia grabs her hand and the lady lets go and walks away meanwhile I am trying to get over to her and another mom runs over and takes her hand. My poor honey. Can't they see she needs more help than that?

Oh that MY GYM makes me very upset. Today, the day I have looked forward to for the past 16 days was the day that was supposed to be the SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS. I get Mia all geared up and excited (and I am already excited). We get there and I kind of wonder...well, what are we the only ones here? All of the teachers are sitting around the floor having a staff meeting and the owner comes up to me and asks what he can do to help me. I reply I am here for the class. He laughs, we don't have classes Monday afternoon. I say, well according to YOUR schedule you do have a class at 4:45 that started today for Special Needs. He walks over to grab a schedule (I am sure to try and prove me wrong) and BAM there it is on the schedule. He then tries to talk his way around it and blame me. He said well, there hasn't been anyone that said they wanted to come to it so it hasn't started yet. (According to them you didn't need to sign up just show up). He keeps offering to call me when it starts up. I explain to him that we already go to the Waddlers Class so I can just get the info during class. He looks at me confused and beats totally around the bush and is all hesitant and crap and stutters (not as in a speech problem, but as in a big fat wuss that is scared to ask) "What exactly are her SPECIAL NEEDS?" Well, what difference does it make. You said you were offering the class I didn't know I needed to discuss her needs with them. Whatever, I reply...she is Globally Delayed (and I said it smartly too). He then says, well, we do have some people interested and we are just waiting to have 2 or 3 and we will start it. (Now he has people interested when 2 seconds ago no one was?) UGH. I was so ANGRY! Like it is easy to have a SN child and then to go and be treated like a fool for showing up was just too much for me today. Mia meanwhile I screaming as we are walking out the door, she was so excited to be there to *play* but no! I left and just loudly said how completely ridiculous this was. I really wanted to *flip out*. How mad am I? I feel like it was a *joke* played on me and I fell for it. Yeah Tara, come on over we will have a great time, then no one else besides me shows up. Thanks.

Lastly, I don't want to get into what totally took my day over the top, but it was something, life changing, that I have suspected for a very long time that finally came to the surface tonight. I am very mixed about it, but emotionally I am just too overwhelmed for anything else right now. I am not going to *call* anyone out on this blog because well, that is just rude, but I am sick of a certain person (not my bloggin buds) that manipulates so much and tonight was a perfect example of it. I am glad that someone else feels better and I feel worse. I am glad that someone else wants everything to be about them. To justify your actions over and over again when you are in the wrong is f'd up to say the least.

Off to bed, I hope tomorrow brings positive experiences and a new least on life. I cannot take much more of my current *life*. I need a break.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Going Backwards

Ok, my mom has high speed internet access, but this is the slowest connection ever!! I haven't posted pictures for a while because of this, but I wanted to put Mia's picture from 1 month ago. Excuse the fact that I have my poor girl in orange and denim, she looks like she matches the little tikes slide!

FRIDAY THE 13th of June...

Ahh!! Where has the time gone? My baby is 22 months old today. In 2 more months I will have a 2 year old, oh my goodness! I truly cannot believe how fast time has gone. I know that your baby is always your baby, but Mia really is a lot more like a baby than other kids even younger than her. I was with my friends nephew who is 18 months old and he seemed so much more *grown* up than Mia. I don't mind her being my baby, of course I would rather her not be globally delayed, but I love her anyway!! Here is the lil 22 month old in her pool today!!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

More Evidence of How Blessed We Are...

Since the day that Mia was born I knew that God had a plan for her. Of course her birth was very traumatic and not the way that I prayed for it to be. I knew that God was taking care of her. I knew that He had a plan for her. If He wanted to take her away from us right at birth He could have, but He didn't. A matter of seconds could have changed Mia's story, though her birth was traumatic giving birth to a still born would be tragic. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed Mia the opportunity to live life. I am so thankful that I get to be Mia's mom. Being a mom to a special needs child isn't easy by any means but He thought that I was right for the job! What a huge compliment.
Everyday I know that we are very blessed and so many prayers have been answered for Mia. I know that things could be so different. To see Mia alive and active and to think back at her birth and read the birth records you wouldn't think this is the same kid. Yes, she is globally delayed. Yes, she is approaching 2 years old and has yet to speak and doesn't walk. Yes, the thought of her having to use a walker breaks my heart. I cry a lot. I often feel robbed, then comes the feeling of guilt because she can do so much and I know a lot of other children have more delays than her. I pray that Mia will catch up someday and I am thankful for all of the prayers that have been answered for Mia.
Mia had an OT eval today. I am telling you it is so wonderful to meet with excellent therapists! The OT today was GREAT. Again, like the PT the other day I really liked her, she is very nice. She was so compassionate when I told her Mia's birth story. Yes, I have had to replay her birth so many times lately. Today when I was telling the story I did have to fight back tears but it was also a huge reminder of how far she has come. Of course I want her to develop and achieve milestones like every other child, but the fact of the matter is, she isn't going to. This doesn't mean that the milestones won't be achieved and it doesn't mean when they are achieved that it won't mean as much because it is *late*. In fact it will probably mean even more to me since I know how hard things are for her. She is the sweetest girl and I love her so much!
The OT had so many good things to say about Mia and her abilities. She is also very excited to work with Mia because she said she is much higher functioning than all of the other children she works with. She said she is going to *push* Mia. She also said Mia will be one of those kids that has all of these delays and basically catches up all at once. I know she can't see the future, but this is very promising. It is so nice to have someone give you positive feedback. As far as Mia not stacking blocks and doing things like that she said those skills should be emerging soon and she also said because Mia is so smart that it is all about motivating her to do this stuff. I told her that I wasn't too sure about the infant development teacher, I feel like she doesn't control the session she allows Mia to. Mia and her don't play with the toys because Mia doesn't want to so she doesn't make her. I want her to help Mia not just be a playmate. The OT said that the infant devel should be working on most of the same things that OT is working on. She said most parents complain about the teachers and the lack of controlling the sessions and lack of children achieving their goals. She is going to try and come at the same time as the teacher and give her some suggestions on what she should be doing to help Mia progress.
Today was a good day. Thank you God for answering so many prayers for Mia and helping her get stronger and do more every single day!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wink, Wink

Just something cute that I wanted to share. Mia can offically wink!!! My mom tells her to wink and she will!! It is so cute!!!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly...

Ok, so maybe not the ugly, but the good and the bad for sure.

The Good...Mia is showing that she comprehends things. I know that she is *all there* it is just nice when she does things that outwardly show me. Yesterday the PT was done with the eval and she packed up her toys in her duffle bag and zipped it up. Mia was sitting behind the therapist at this point because she was trying to (unprompted) get the therapist her shoes. She looked at me, she pointed at the bag and did the sign for MORE!!!!!!!! She's never done it like that before. I was so excited, ofcourse I wish she was talking but this was GREAT! Last week during infant development she wasn't feeling well and she didn't want to play anymore, she looked at the teacher and waved good bye to her. She has done that several times, when she is finished (in her mind) with therapy she will look at them and wave, usually they won't leave though. This time I did tell the teacher that Mia had enough for the day and we ended early.

The Good...Mia had OT today and the therapist says she already can see a very small improvement in Mia's strength. It has only been a few weeks and she missed last week so that is very good that she already sees her strength increased!! Mia should be getting her Kaye walker soon too. I spoke to the office lady that does the ordering and of course they hadn't done anything for it as of yet, but she did say our insurance should cover it and since it isn't custom ordered we should be able to pick it up at a medical supply store locally. I hope this means Mia will have her walker in the next couple of weeks. I am supposed to hear something by Saturday, if not I will follow up Monday.

The Good...I get to see my therapist again tomorrow!! I was feeling pretty good for the last few days and I thought, boy I think I will be able to make it through the session without balling. Wrong, I am feeling pretty down again. This is going to bring me to the BAD...being away from my hubby is so hard. This isn't the first or the last time that we will have to be separated. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than others. Right now I am struggling with it. I wish he was here, I miss him so much.

The not to air my dirty laundry but my sister is getting married in OMG 17 days and our dad isn't going to attend. So, a brief history, my parents divorced when I was 9 years old and from the time I was 9 years old until May 2006 my dad was pretty non-existent in my life. We went about 10 straight years with no contact. He was heavily into drugs, he used to call on occasion and say how sorry he was but he was so out of it that it was always the *victim* excuse. 10 years went by, I saw him walking once while I was driving to school, I briefly saw him in passing at a family function and he asked me why I never call (uh, duh you never answer your phone and ofcourse you would never call me back). I just laughed it off and went on my way. In May 2006 I was informed that he was clean and sober and wanted to pursue a relationship. I was prego with Mia at the time and I said if he wanted to have a relationship he can write me a letter, I said I didn't want to talk to someone who wanted to make excuses for his actions. Well, me being the weak person that I am made the first attempt at contact and I wrote him a letter. I basically told him that I was sorry that he missed out on my life, but I lived my life and I gave him my phone number. He called me and things were going well. Mia was born and given the trauma he offered to come out to help out. My mom and sister were with me and it would have been weird with him so I declined. He was supposed to come out right before Thanksgiving (which I was basically I will believe it when I see it), but he didn't come out, his oldest daughter suddenly died. This was a valid excuse and he did end up coming out in March. Anyway, slowly the relationship that we were trying to rebuild started to dwindle. He didn't call too much, he was always complaining about being depressed but wouldn't do anything about it. My sister went in person and spoke to him and let him know that she really wanted him at the wedding but our step dad would walk her down the isle. The wedding is at my parents (mom and step dad who is really a dad to me)and my sister wanted my step dad to walk her down the isle since he has always been the one that was there for us. My bio dad said he understood and he knew that my sister would do that, he cried, but knew. It all sounds reasonable, but when you are dealing with someone who isn't reasonable, who is selfish and a wuss it's not reasonable. I haven't spoken to him since April 9th and that was only for a second because he was busy. I called him and no answer, no return call. I heard from my Aunt ( his sister) that it is just too hard for him and he won't be attending the wedding. Ok, so that is sissy enough that he can't man up and attend the wedding since he has missed every other major event in our life aside from our birth. But now he won't answer the phone or return our calls. I mean if you aren't going to attend fine, but don't make it worse and not even have the guts to say it to us. At this point I cannot continue to have a relationship with this man (not that I have a choice since he has yet again abandon me) but if he were to try and call and be apart of my life I won't do it. I can't have Mia around someone who is that selfish and undependable. So I guess that can be considered the UGLY too. I just can't see how someone could do that to their child. Especially since I have a child now, I just can't see ever being able to do something to disappoint her. He is so selfish.

The Bad...I spoke to the office girl at the hospital today and she said it will probably be another 4-8 weeks until Mia has a speech eval. This is a huge frustration for me. I want her to catch up in all aspects of development (duh) but she is getting increasingly frustrated with communication. I have no idea why she can't talk and it hurts my heart so much. I see her frustration when she is trying so hard to get me to understand what she wants, it's like shirades but I often end up on the losing team. She knows what she wants, but I can't always understand. I see her being very frustrated about not being able to walk and talk. She tries so hard to balance herself in order to stand and she babbles just something isn't working there. She is making positive steps though, she will do some copy noises, growling and similar noises. I need to find some books to educate me more on why kids don't speak. I mean I know about apraxia and other things, but I know it will help me if I read more about it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Hodge Podge

Wow, I sure haven't been a very faithful blogger lately. I am slippin. It's not that I don't still have a love for bloggin, but I must admit CVS is taking my time, I am kind of two timing my blog. Ok, so I tried and I guess I am not that funny. It is true though, I have become an addict. Like a real one, I can't sleep and I get a real high after most of my CVS trips. If they don't go as planned and I don't get my fix, WATCH OUT! Ok, I won't go on and on about CVS though, I would love to. Cut to the chase. I went to CVS last night and sorry there is no photos but here is the run down.
27 oz bag of M & M's (6.00)
2 Garnier face scrub (5.99 each)
3 Nivea Shave Cream (3.99 each)
1 Reeces (.50)
2 Sour Patch Kids (.88 each)
I had the following coupons:
2 $1/1 for Garnier
1 $4/2 for Nivea
1 $1/1 for Nivea
1 $1/2 for candy
1 $3/15 CVS coupon
My Subtotal was $13.48 and I had ECB's that came out to $13.48 so I paid ZERO OUT OF POCKET. I got 10 ECB for Garnier and 5 ECB for Nivea

Today I went back and I got
3 Nivea Shave Gream
2 Garnier Face Scrub
1 Oral B Two Pack toothbrush
1 Halls Cough Drop
2 bags of Sour Patch Kids
Total was .37 out of pocket and I earned 10 ECB for Garnier, 6.99 ECB for Oral B, 5 ECB for Nivea and 5 ECB for the candy deal. I am lovin me some CVS
I will go tomorrow and earn another 21.98 in ECBS when I buy 2 more Oral B 2 pack toothbrushes, 1 Brut Deodorant and 2 Nivea shave creams. This is the greatest shopping addiction ever, I get the thrill of shopping, I get tons of products that I can use and I pay next to nothing!! My one complaint is I have to go to a CVS that isn't as close, not far but the one that is closest to the house is always out of everything, even when I get there right when the store opens the first day of the sale. They have ordering issues I guess.

Mia had a PT eval today. This is through EI. I liked the girl alot, she is just a couple of years older than me and we really hit it off. I think Mia will do well with her. I like her approach and her action plan. Mia will get at least 5 hours a month of PT and she said if she thinks she needs more they will authorize more. She doesn't think Mia will be able to handle anymore right now though being that she has 1 hour twice a week of PT and she has 1.5 hours a week of OT and soon to have 2 sessions of speech a week, this doesn't include her 1 hour of infant development or her SN My Gym class that is 2-3 times a week. Finally it is all coming together and Mia is getting not only a lot of therapy but EXCELLENT therapy. I am very pleased. She also said that based on her quick assessment Mia is most likely considered Scattered to 15 months in gross motor!! OF course solid 21 would be considered *normal* for her, but I am thrilled to hear 15 months, that is way more than I expected. She is coming along...slow and steady!

Speaking of slow I have a complaint. I take Mia once a week to the waddlers My Gym class, this is 14-22 month old *normal* kids and one of the mothers almost got punched by me (well, not exactly, but she did rub me the wrong way). First of all, her kid is probably much younger than Mia (I wouldn't know though because none of the parents talk to anyone, kind of weird). Her kid is short and tiny. Mia is tiny, but she is on the taller end (she is below the 5th percentile for weight, but about the 75th percentile for height). Anyway back to complaining, Mia was playing in a swing they have a hammock with a green turtle sandbox inside of it. Mia was being silly and laid down in the sandbox (w/out sand) and the mother walks by and looks in at Mia and tells her kid " Do you see the baby?" I am sure she meant nothing by it, but I was annoyed, it was like she was getting a cheap shot in on Mia because she doesn't walk. I let it roll, but obviously it didn't roll all the way off or else I wouldn't still be bent about it. To stay on the track on complaining I get tired of people commenting on how S L O W Mia is. Yes, she is slow, but does everyone think that I don't know that so they want to point it out? For instance, a stranger will say, wow, she is so slow, she must be tired. Or wow, does she always move that slow? I want to say, well actually this is quite fast considering she was not moving at all when she was born and she had to be resuscitated, but thanks for noticing!

Well, I am suddenly way too tired to continue. I have more but that will have to wait.

Monday, June 2, 2008

One Hand Closer to Independent Walking...

I haven't had a chance to post lately. Today I was going to skip it again, but I decided to stay up a little later to post. Let's see, where have we been...

Thursday I met with the therapist for the first time. I don't have a lot to compare her to, but I liked her and felt comfortable talking to her. I cried a lot (which I expected) but I also said a lot. It was so nice to just tell someone every little *secret* you have. She will try and get to the bottom of why I won't open up to friends/family. I mentioned it to her and I told her reasons why I might be that way but said I really wasn't sure. I dropped a bomb on her towards the end of the session (not on purpose) but she was totally not expecting that to come out of my mouth. I could tell by her facial expressions and then she used the work *prick*, which made me laugh. She was going to meet with me again this week but she only had one day open and it conflicted with Mia's therapy. I go back next week. I can't wait. Though it felt good getting so much off my chest I still have so many things that I have kept in for so long that I am dying to get out. I felt a little uneasy afterwards the more I thought about things that I said/didn't say. I knew I couldn't possibly go through every single issue I have with her in 45 minutes, but it was almost like your favorite TV show that you are all into and then it says "...To Be Continued" you feel like OH MAN and then the anticipation grows. All and all though I am very glad I met with her. She said that I haven't been able to fully grieve about all of my hopes, dreams and expectations that were changed during my labor with Mia. So we will work on that too.

Friday, hmm, what was Friday? I must say it was boring, I can't even think of anything we did.

Saturday...Mia had PT and it went so great! I was worried since her OT appointment on Wednesday was bad. She likes the PT much better, she is more experienced and has great interation with Mia. She asked me how much walking Mia does throughout the day. I told her 50 percent or more per day. I have to let her walk (holding my hands of course) everywhere we go. She flips out otherwise. She was having her do exercises on the stairs and then she said she wanted to see how Mia did with a walker. I have to say I have wondered for a while why Mia hasn't been given a walker, but at the same time I didn't push the issue for obvious reasons. So she takes Mia by the hand (yes, hand as is JUST ONE HAND) and walks her to the closet to get the walker. Mia walked so good. I commented that Mia has never walked that well holding just one hand. She gets the walker and says she wants to see how Mia does in the walker and how long she can handle it. Well, that little girl took off and walked and walked and walked and walked and finally the session was over and we had to peel her off of the walker. She walked for 20 minutes straight, through the halls of the hospital, outside, on a slant and only fell one time! She was so happy and smiled and giggled the entire time. It was so amazing to see her on it, she knew exactly what to do with it. Of course as much as I felt so happy seeing her so happy and proud I will say that it broke my heart. People would stop and look, turn and look and whisper something. I know that they don't mean anything by it and that it isn't everyday that you see a little 3 foot tall kid cruising around with a walker, but it still hurt my heart. I am just so thankful that Mia is too little to know or care when they stop and look. She actually has a look on her face like everyone must think she is just the coolest!! I know that walker is supposed to be temporary and is a good thing. The PT says it speeds up the independent walking and most kids only use them for a few months. I am not going to get too excited about that yet though, I was told the same thing about the SMO's and she isn't walking yet. Realistically I knew that Mia wouldn't get the SMO's and be walking in a month, but at the sametime the unrealistic side of me hoped for that. I felt pretty down after the appointment. I called Mike (husband for anyone who forgot/cares) and he listened and made me feel a little better. I took Mia outside to play and guess what? She walked many times (about 15 minutes)though the backyard being held by one hand! She was so proud and laughed the entire time!!! I am so proud of her. She knows (since she is the ALL KNOWING ONE) that my heart broke to see her with the walker so she is going to try her hardest to walk before her walker arrives!!! Ok, I know that is getting a little carried's late.

Sunday...5:30 AM wake up to the lovely sound of puking! Poor Mia has the flu bug. I had to wash all of her bedding, it was in her hair, on her stuffed dog, it was so gross. After the morning puke she finally went back to sleep and just had yucky poo all day but at the end of the night she puked again...this time in the toilet!! She had more yucky poo which gives her horrible diaper rash and she hasn't eaten much over the last two days.

Today she seemed good enough to go to her My Gym class for the first structured class. It went well, she cried at first when they were singing, but she is a little *drama* sometimes. I liked the flow of things at My Gym, it is a lot better than Gymboree Play and Music. I am so thrilled to say this My Gym is starting up a SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS!!! I am so excited. I can't wait. Mia will still go to the waddlers class each week, but during June, July and August she gets two classes a week for the price of one! So she will get to be around typical kids and other super kids that are special like her! I am so excited, I haven't had the chance to meet (in person) any other SN parents or kids. I just can't wait!!!!

Wow!!! If you read this entire post you probably want to go and take a nap. That was a lot of boring writing I just did...