What Will People Think...

I am generally the kind of person that doesn't really care what people think. When it comes to Mia I worry so much. I worry about people talking about her abilities (or lack of) behind my back, I worry that people will make fun of her. I worry about having the conversation with people about why my child is 19 months old and can't walk or even stand without assistance. I worry that people will think I did something to cause this. I know that anyone who would talk about her, make fun or her or think I did something to cause her brain injury aren't people that matter and they certainly aren't my friends or family. 

I remember when the doctor came in to talk to me a few hours after Mia's birth he said "this isn't your fault' and at the time I was so out of it I was thinking, yeah I never thought it was. I hadn't even seen my baby yet so I really didn't know what he was talking about. I had Mia on Sunday morning and was released from the hospital Tuesday morning. I got very sick, I didn't know I was sick, I had a super high fever (which I didn't realize) and I was going delirious. I remember being freezing cold and trying so hard to get warm. DH woke up because I was shaking so bad and asked if I was ok. I would repeat myself over and over again to the point I was scaring him. I just kept saying 'I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok.' The next morning he insisted I go to see the doctor, which I really didn't want to do because I wanted to go and see my baby. Anyway, I went to the doctor. My incision from my c-section was fine, no breast infection, no other womanly infections everything appeared to be normal. I asked the doctor if he left something inside me, a surgical tool, gauze, etc. I was joking...sorta. He didn't laugh, he was nice, but had zero sense of humor. Anyway, this is all off topic, I was sitting in the dr. office talking to DH and crying about having to waste time in their when we could be seeing our baby. I started to worry at that point. I cried to him how everyone is going to think I did something to my baby. To this day that kills me to think that someone would think that. No one has ever said to me that they thought it was my fault, it is just my fear of thinking someone would think that. 

It is so hard because the doctors were never able to figure out what happened. I wonder all of the time why medically speaking this happened. I know that I will never get that answer, but it bothers me.