Cerebral Palsy

Mia has been a very busy girl with various appointments this week. The first appointment was her hearing test, she passed! She has to go back to check one more thing, but the equipment was broken, otherwise her hearing is where it should be for her age. She had her speech evaluation and that went good. She doesn't speak really, but her receptive language is very high. She is learning more signs to help communicate, but she is also starting to attempt to repeat words when you ask her too! The first one was 'NONE'. I was out shopping with her and I am addicted to buying shoes for her, so as usual we stopped by the toddler shoe section, they didn't have any that I liked. I proceeded to look in the women's section for myself. Mia pointed at a pair of shoes and lifted her foot (she wanted to try on shoes because she now is addicted to shoes). I said "oh no, these are too big, this is my size. We looked for shoes for you and they had none." Then she looked at me and said 'NONE" and I said "Did you say NONE?" and again she repeated NONE! It was great. During the ST eval she asked her what the dog says and Mia panted and the ST said good and how about woof woof? And Mia tried to say woof! She will be going at least 2 times a week for ST!!
We also will be having a teacher 2 times a week at the house. Her PT is two times a week and she has an T eval next week. Today was her neurology appointment. This was the first time meeting this neuro. Apparently she was unable to review Mia's medical records prior to our visit because of an input error. While we were at the appointment she figured out the error and reviewed the neuro report and MRI information. She said 'Mia has cerebral palsy. I can say that with certainty.' She went on to explain why she said it. I didn't even cry. I just listed and had no emotion. I mean the CP term has been thrown at me since she was 1 day old. I have been told most recently in September by her new ped that Mia has CP and then after he read all her medical records he came back and apologized saying he would have to agree with her others doctors and not give her the DX. Of course we use the CP dx all of the time, for therapies and equipment. The neuro said that 50% have CP kids have cognitive issues/delays, but she doesn't see Mia fitting into the the 50% that have cognitive issues/delays. She also said, Mia is going to walk, it's just a matter of time. She mentioned Mia was a bit tight, which was a shock to me. Nobody has mentioned her being tight since her NICU days. She is pretty loose and hypotonic. So, I am sitting here asking myself "Have I finally accepted it? Am I okay with the label being attached to my baby?" Or is it that I am so far in denial after being told before that she has CP by more than one doctor and then having that doctor come back and change is mind? I am just not sure. I do know that I have accepted that Mia would always use the CP label for services and I was comfortable with it. I know that the label isn't going to change who she is and what she is doing, I love her even more than I could ever have imagined.
For now I am going to roll with it and see how I feel. I know even accepting a CP dx doesn't mean that I am always going to be 'ok' with it. I know some days I will laugh and be thankful and other days I will cry and think 'wow this really f'ing sucks!'
I am happy to say on a family note that we (mike, mia, tara and the dog) are going on vacation to Lake Tahoe for Christmas. DH is trying hard to make up for his selfishness that went on for 7 months. He was present with me at the appointment today and is napping with Mia right now.

Hearing Your Silence by Donald Robin, Ph.D.,CCC-SLP

Hearing Your Silence

by Donald Robin, Ph.D., CCC-SLP
We don't understand

when we hear your silence

We cant see behind your frustrated eyes

when you plead for our attention

We are unable to feel your awkwardness

when you try to speak and the wrong sounds emerge

We cannot be inside you to will your tongue to move

when it struggles to find the roof of your mouth

We don't understand the fear that consumes you

when you are on the playground when you should be having fun

We are not privy to your brain that creates a world of words

only to have your muscles stop their meaning

We do not hear your mind communicating freely

only to have us look quizzically and ask for repetition

We cannot sense your joy at moments of clarity

only to have it rapidly disappear again and again

We do know who you are

when you look into our eyes

We can hold you tightly

when your fists clench and tears fill your vision

We will struggle with you each day and night

when you practice your speech sounds with great deliberation

We are proud of your trying

when we might just give up

We share with you your pain

when your mouth is tired and slow

You know that we will love you

when you are little and when you grow

You know that we will be there for you

when all seems dark and cold

You know that you are special and what you want to say

You know you are our children and who you are each day

You know your world is full and how to find the way

You know we hear your silence

You know, we hear your silence

You know we hear your silence



(July, 2004 on the occasion of the First National Apraxia-KIDS Parent Conference)

Mia Update!!! She 27 months old!

Mia is 27 months old. She weighs in at 24 pounds 6 ounces and stands 34 1/4 inches tall!! She still doesn't talk or walk, but she's cute as can be. Very smart too! She has a new pediatrician who is so wonderful. When we first met him he was insisting she had CP. I explained to him my theory and why the doctors in Hawaii hadn't given her that DX. He was very nice and said he wasn't dx'ing her, but figured she would get that dx and for therapy we should use it. I was fine with it. I left all of her medical records with him and we just met with him on Tuesday! He said: "I have to tell you I need to go back on what I said about CP. I think you are right and after reading what the other doctors say she just doesn't have the normal motor functions on a person with CP!" I was in tears, I know it's just a label and she is who she is, but as long as I can stay away from the 'label' the easier time I have coping. I wish she had a true DX because I want so badly to 'connect' with someone. The ladies from the old BBC are GREAT but I haven't been so GREAT back to them. After all, I left everyone for 4 months! Mia will soon start therapy again but I am no longer into tons of therapy. I see Mia makes progress at her own pace, therapy is a good tool, but double therapies aren't for her. I am looking into more aqua therapy and hippo therapy.

I turned the big Three O in September. My mom threw me a party and had karaoke. Mia was at the party and at the end of the night she insisted she sung. Remember, she doesn't talk. Well, she went up there with more stage presence than the professionals, she picked up the mic, looked at the crowd and blabbed, laughed and had a blast!! My best birthday present!!!!

What a Day

It's kind of funny. I started this blog to deal with the emotions of a special needs child. I've actually been using it for everything else and not dealing with my feelings about things with Mia. It's not that it doesn't still break my heart to see Mia struggle, to know that is she almost 2 and isn't walking and doesn't have a vocabulary of a 2 year old (she has one word though...MOM)! I am so emotionally drained right now that I cannot focus on those pains.
I was thinking my therapy was yesterday, but I realized after my post the other day that my session was today. Luckily my listening ear (Carol) took over for my MFT and helped me make it through the day yesterday. I pretty much cried the entire session today. It is amazing how great I feel after therapy. I don't know if it is from all of the crying because I cry all the time to myself, but I think it is a combination of actually saying the feelings out loud and crying. I blog about a lot of the same stuff, but I don't get as detailed. I am not ready to let the entire world in on my life : ) Right after therapy I find myself feeling good and bad, good that I got it out, bad on what was left unsaid/unresolved. The first week after therapy has gone pretty good but it's the second week that kills me. I realized part of the problem is the first week I take her advice and implement it in my life, by the second week I revert back to old habits and I crumble. My goal is to do what she says for the entire 2 weeks. I know and she knows it is easier said than done, but it is for my own emotional well being. The next 2 weeks of sticking with her advice is going to be tough and have some twists to it.
Aside from therapy, today was not a good day. I went to therapy and rushed home to take Mia to her therapy. I get to the hospital (25 minutes away) and they look at me like I am crazy, well, more like, uh what are you doing here? Come to find out, today was Mia's OT at home not the hospital. I got confused because Mia had home OT already this week, but this was a make up for last week. We rushed back and made it home quickly but her OT didn't wait for us. She said she couldn't wait. I was a bit annoyed by this for a few reasons, she has changed Mia's therapy time constantly and I just roll with it, the first session she showed up almost 20 minutes late and didn't even call and she is always a few minutes late. Mia has an hour of OT with her, it wasn't like she had another appointment that conflicted.
I had some shopping to do, well, I didn't HAVE to shop, but that is my other form of therapy that Mia and I do on a daily basis. I go to TJ Maxx and I was there almost an hour, I was trying on clothes and just browsing. I left empty handed and very disappointed, but I had other stores to hit so I wasn't too down. As I am walking to the parking lot I am debating on going to another store in this center or driving to Kohls. As I get closer to my car I notice the front passenger side door is wide opened. I got very nervous, I was like what the heck is going on. At the same time someone is trying to park right next to my car. I was so embarrassed so I walked past my car and acted like it wasn't mine. I walk like 15 parking spaces away and pretend to be looking in my purse. The lady trying to park next to my car gets out and says out loud, "Oh look, US NAVY, do you see this the door is wide open but nobody is there." She was basically talking to herself (I think). Then she yells to me, "Hey do you see this, the door is wide open, is this your car?" Ok, so you would think I am already embarrassed I should just admit that I am an idiot and say yes that is my car. What do I do instead? I lie, no, that's not my car! I could have killed myself. She ends up closing the door and walking into the store, I wasn't going to be caught dead near my car so I continued to walk away and watched her walk into the store. Once she got into the store I walked close enough to my car to make the remote lock the doors. I went into another store and came out hoping her car would be gone, but no such luck. I put Mia in the car and left as fast as I could. I was worried that lady would come out and see me. My car in pretty noticeable in town, I mean it not only has military stickers on the windshield but we are in California and I have Hawaii plates which is not very common around here. So, it is only about noon and I have made two embarrassing mistakes, what else could go wrong...? Don't even ask. We will just leave it at I am glad the day is over and I pray tomorrow is better. I have too much on my mind right now, that is for sure.

Mammy

Mia has been suffering the side effects of *the wedding*. We've all been so busy and she is not used to the *lack* of attention. She enjoys being the center of attention, duh, she's almost 2!! She has also entered into the terrible two's! My 16 year old sister lovingly jokes that this is the milestone Mia wants to hit early!! Ha! Ha! Not funny sis! So, Mia has been a little bit of a cranky one lately, she also gets very clingy to me and won't let anyone else but me hold her. She hasn't eaten for days, literally. I really don't like the food battles, but I do get concerned when days go by and she won't eat. Thankfully she is still taking about 32 ounces of Pediasure a day so she is getting some nutrition.
Yesterday morning she woke up and was in a bad mood, this is not the norm for her. She was standing in her crib screaming. I walked into the room and said "Why do you have to scream why can't you just call Mommy". I walked her into my mom's room and put her in front of the mirror as I cuddled her. When she wakes up I always cuddle with her and give her lots of kisses. My mom walked into the room and was talking to her too. She asked if Mia loved her mommy. Mia was giving me *big hugs* and then she picked her head up off my shoulder and looked at me and SAID "MAM-MY"! It was so cute, it came out more of MAM than MOM and it was broken up a little the MAM and the ME sound. My heart melted, she doesn't say any specific words and she doesn't really babble mommy!! She hasn't said it again so maybe it was a fluke, but her voice is just so sweet! I can't wait to her more!!

The Wedding...

I am still exhausted from "the wedding" but wanted to give a quick update! It went near perfect and what didn't go perfect was very minor. I am very pleased with everything. Not to toot my own horn, but I will...haha!! Toot! Toot! I made the invitation, response cards, maps for directions, the wedding programs, the bridal party bouquets and the boutonniere's, I also made all of the bridal party jewelry and I video taped most of the wedding (except the ceremony). All of this while making sure everything ran smoothly, believe it or not I even had time for some dancin! It was great. Glad that the stress of it is over.

Here is a picture of me (to the left), my sister (the bride) and my other sister Lisa.

Today...well today started out very hard for me. I was still having a hard time being strong and keeping it together. I just wanted to cry. I know that for Mia I have to be strong even when I don't want to be. I have a hard time seeking out the support and fully opening myself up to people. I don't want to appear weak or needy. I share a lot on my blog and get a lot of things out there, but there is still so much more to me. So much more that I need to deal with and let go, things that have been bottled up for so long and it's time for me to let them go. I fully believe that you are 100% responsible for choices that you make and just because you have a recovering alcoholic for a mom and a recovering drug and alcohol addict for a father doesn't give you a free ticket to fu** up your life. I have no valid excuse for choices that I have made in my life that are coming back to bite me now, I went in fully aware of the situation. I know that other people influenced the decisions that I made and I fully realize the consequences of my weaknesses.
Last night was so freeing and so heartwarming. You know who you are and thank you so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much that it meant to me to have you there to listen to me. In my entire life I have only opened up to 2 people with as much honesty about my feelings and my *dirty* laundry. I am so glad we met, the way we met isn't our ideal way to meet, but I am glad we found each other. Thank you!!
I also sought support from my (step) father. He is a great guy and has always been there for me. I know that he isn't one to judge or hold grudges. I needed to tell someone that I was crumbling inside, that I could no longer go on everyday pretending that I was ok. I cried, but not as much as I thought I would. After speaking with him I had a sense of relief, like the weight had been lifted. I still had moments of weakness throughout the day and I wanted to cry, but mainly I have held it together. I have also been praying for strength to get me through these weak times.
Mia had her walker fitting today. I expect her to have her walker in about 2 weeks if everything goes smoothly. She actually hasn't been liking the walker as much at PT lately, but when she gets her at home she will be encouraged to use it often. I also might be having a battle with the hospital PT about a charge that they may want me to pay. My insurance is supposed to cover 100% of all of Mia's medical (gotta love the military) stuff, including her PT. Before we began the hospital also confirmed this with the insurance. Today I got a summary of payments made to the hospital from my insurance and their is something for $125 on there that wasn't covered by the insurance and it says "This Is Not A Bill" but that is under the "Amount You Owe" section which I am sure means the hospital will be sending me a bill. I am going to dispute it however because it is not my fault if they performed a service without insurance approval. I just am not in the mood to deal with this right now so I pray that it will all be taken care of on their end and I won't get a bill.
GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally after many many months Mia is going to start 1 of 2 Speech Therapies!! We got the call today but I wasn't home so I will discuss it while I am at the hospital tomorrow. Even better the location is very close to where we live. Right now it takes about 35 minutes to get to Mia's appointments so this will be very nice to only be about 5 minutes away. I am so excited for my lil' girl.
LAZY BONES. Well, as I have said before the young girl who is Mia's OT calls her lazy or lazy bones and it bothers me. My sweet girl is not lazy, she is very determined and a hard worker. Last week the OT was much more positive than ever before and only called her lazy one time. She has a hard time dealing with Mia when Mia won't do what she wants. She fights with her instead of trying to do different things to motivate her to do what she wants her to. So, after the session last week the OT and I were sitting on the floor discussing the schedule for July. At the end I looked her right in the eye and said " I know that I am probably being over sensitive to it and I know that you don't mean anything by it, but I don't like when you call Mia lazy or lazy bones. I am sensitive, but I would appreciate it if you didn't call her that." I said it calmly and very nice. I looked her in the eye the entire time and didn't feel nervous at all. She had a look on her face like someone told her that someone in her family died or a deer in the headlights kind of look on her face. She said "Oh (in shock) ok." I said, " Thanks, see you next week." I left glad that I said something, mad that she didn't apologize but proud that I stuck up for my baby. We will see what happens this week.

My sister is getting married on Saturday so today she treated me and my mom to a massage. It was great. I didn't have a wonderful therapist but it was still great. I haven't had a massage in years!! It was a thank you to us since we have planned almost all of her wedding and done a lot of the work ourselves!!

Not sure what to call this one, so I will leave the title blank. I am having a pretty bad day. I have been very sad/depressed for the past couple of months, but it is getting worse. I have tried my hardest to keep a positive attitude and put on my *strong* face, but I just can't do it anymore. I am crumbling inside. I am having a hard time being around people, mainly all of the ones that live in the house that I am staying at. I just want to be a lone, all alone, to cry, to blog, to sleep all day if I want to and to scream and yell if I so desire. I don't want to be away from Mia, but I don't want her to see me this way. I have no privacy at this house which only makes the situation worse. I have to bottle everything up inside and when I reach my full capacity it all comes out. Today was overflow, literally, the tears would not stop. Every time I thought I had a moment of privacy to just let it all out someone would walk in and I would have to hold it all in. You would think that if you went into the bathroom you would have some privacy, but NO! I guess when you are in the bathroom for over an hour it is pretty obvious (unless you had bad food) you probably are not going to the bathroom. I get interrupted when I am just completely crying, with the tears that could fill up the sink and I hear "Tara!" I try and compose myself. I respond, "yeah." As I hear the feet approaching the door it is "Are you ok" as the door is being pounded on like the police are at the door. I freaken about flipped out. "I am fine!" I won't go on and on, but basically, what do you want Mia to do right now. I know must go and face everyone with my swollen blood shot eyes as I go and get Mia. My mom asks "What happened to your eyes." I rolled them and respond with "Nothing." I give Mia a bath and cry some more and pray so hard that I can compose myself and get Mia out of the bath. I got it together for the most part and came out with Mia and the questions continued. "Are you crying?" Respond:"No" I mean come on don't ask and obvious question. I have Mia all dressed and my mom starts in at me too. I say "I am fine, I don't want to talk." I do want to talk, but not to them. They cannot do anything to fix what is wrong with me and they certainly won't make me feel any better. Even as I try to write this blog, suddenly everyone wants to be in the same room sitting behind me looking at the computer. The questions "What are you doing?" What the f does it look like I am doing, I am on the computer and typing. So, instead I say "Nothing". Duh it is so obvious I am doing something more than nothing, but it's not their business.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

As if I didn't have my fill of crap yesterday, it continued on today. I suppose it is my fault. Ever since Mia was 5 months old the doctors, specialists and therapists have commented on Mia's *slow* but purposeful movements. Up until a couple of weeks ago I figured it was due to her low tone. When she has met the new therapists and they also commented on her *slow* movements I started to think more about it. Why is she so slow...is it her tone or is it something else? So, you would think that since I had such a bad day yesterday I wouldn't chose today to discuss it with her PT, but sometimes hind sight is 20/20. I was going on very little sleep (3.5 hours) so I can use the excuse I wasn't in my right mind. No one in their right mind would ask a question like that after having the kind of day that I had yesterday. Well, I asked and the answer was not what I hoped to hear. I have had 2 big reality checks between today and yesterday. The first one was when I showed up to a special needs class and no one else was there for the class, as if that wasn't a huge slap in my face rubbing it in that my *normal* is so far off from what the rest of the world seems to have as *normal*. I felt so much more like a minority (in the parenting world) than ever before. It was like WHACK TARA, SEE MIA IS DIFFERENT AND YOU NEED TO FACE IT! Today's reality check came when I asked the PT about her *slow* movements. She tells me she thinks that it has more to do with the area of the brain that is *injured* rather than her low tone and that she will probably always be *slow* in her movements. I almost started to cry right there. I was just so upset. In my mind I thought it was the low tone, which I know doesn't go away, but with muscle strengthening it can be somewhat overcome. I figured once she got stronger her movements would get quicker. I cried the whole way home. It isn't only the trained medical people that comment on Mia's *slow* movements, it is also perfect strangers. If people already notice it and she is only 1 I am sure as she gets older it will be even more obvious. I know that I should be channelling my energy into something more positive than crying and complaining about it, but I am on the pot and I am not getting off (at least for now) so boo f'ing hoo for me!

What a Day...

Where to start...today was not a good day...at all. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad, frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, confused and flat out finished to say the least. If I had known what the day was going to bring I think I would have passed on the whole "waking up" thing. Let's see, the day started out ok. I was able to finish getting ready, send an email and make a phone call all before Mia woke up. That is always a plus to get things done before she wakes. I usually stay up way too late after she goes to bed just to have time to myself, but it doesn't allow me to be very productive sometimes (like important phone calls). I am hopeful that the Kaye walker will be available to Mia soon, but given the history of everything I won't get too excited. When I called the insurance they didn't have a request for it. When I called the DME the guy that answered was seriously nuts. He like flew off the handle when I called, started to argue with the receptionist about transferring the call to him (while I was on the phone). It was good that I called though because the hospital didn't fax my phone number to them, so if they had questions it wouldn't be easy to get ahold of me. Which, they did need to reach me because the hospital also didn't put my insurance information on the sheet either. Wow, is this the first time they've done this...? (sarcasm)! That gets taken care of and 20 minutes later I get another phone call, the PCM has to fax this request to the insurance, so I hang up and call the doctors office to request this. It's a good thing I called or I would be waiting until me *** falls off to get the walker. So, as it stands now I anticipate approval by the end of the week. I HOPE!

My Gym...well her waddlers class went well with the exception of my oversensitiveness. There are 2 women there who have tiny, scrawny kids, younger than Mia and Mia is clearly petite but a good 5 inches taller than them, these 2 women both constantly call Mia a baby. They keep telling their kids...look at the baby. I am sure they aren't really bscratches and they are just saying it, but it freaken pisses me off. The little things that I let get to me are ridiculous I know, but oh well. The other thing that bothers me is the teachers in the class can't seem to get that Mia can't stand without support. Today Mia was standing holding onto a Little Tikes Basketball (and she even made a basket) and it was time to clean up. The teacher comes up to her and takes the hoop away (her support) well Mia grabs her hand and the lady lets go and walks away meanwhile I am trying to get over to her and another mom runs over and takes her hand. My poor honey. Can't they see she needs more help than that?

Oh that MY GYM makes me very upset. Today, the day I have looked forward to for the past 16 days was the day that was supposed to be the SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS. I get Mia all geared up and excited (and I am already excited). We get there and I kind of wonder...well, what are we the only ones here? All of the teachers are sitting around the floor having a staff meeting and the owner comes up to me and asks what he can do to help me. I reply I am here for the class. He laughs, we don't have classes Monday afternoon. I say, well according to YOUR schedule you do have a class at 4:45 that started today for Special Needs. He walks over to grab a schedule (I am sure to try and prove me wrong) and BAM there it is on the schedule. He then tries to talk his way around it and blame me. He said well, there hasn't been anyone that said they wanted to come to it so it hasn't started yet. (According to them you didn't need to sign up just show up). He keeps offering to call me when it starts up. I explain to him that we already go to the Waddlers Class so I can just get the info during class. He looks at me confused and beats totally around the bush and is all hesitant and crap and stutters (not as in a speech problem, but as in a big fat wuss that is scared to ask) "What exactly are her SPECIAL NEEDS?" Well, what difference does it make. You said you were offering the class I didn't know I needed to discuss her needs with them. Whatever, I reply...she is Globally Delayed (and I said it smartly too). He then says, well, we do have some people interested and we are just waiting to have 2 or 3 and we will start it. (Now he has people interested when 2 seconds ago no one was?) UGH. I was so ANGRY! Like it is easy to have a SN child and then to go and be treated like a fool for showing up was just too much for me today. Mia meanwhile I screaming as we are walking out the door, she was so excited to be there to *play* but no! I left and just loudly said how completely ridiculous this was. I really wanted to *flip out*. How mad am I? I feel like it was a *joke* played on me and I fell for it. Yeah Tara, come on over we will have a great time, then no one else besides me shows up. Thanks.

Lastly, I don't want to get into what totally took my day over the top, but it was something, life changing, that I have suspected for a very long time that finally came to the surface tonight. I am very mixed about it, but emotionally I am just too overwhelmed for anything else right now. I am not going to *call* anyone out on this blog because well, that is just rude, but I am sick of a certain person (not my bloggin buds) that manipulates so much and tonight was a perfect example of it. I am glad that someone else feels better and I feel worse. I am glad that someone else wants everything to be about them. To justify your actions over and over again when you are in the wrong is f'd up to say the least.

Off to bed, I hope tomorrow brings positive experiences and a new least on life. I cannot take much more of my current *life*. I need a break.

Going Backwards

Ok, my mom has high speed internet access, but this is the slowest connection ever!! I haven't posted pictures for a while because of this, but I wanted to put Mia's picture from 1 month ago. Excuse the fact that I have my poor girl in orange and denim, she looks like she matches the little tikes slide!

FRIDAY THE 13th of June...

Ahh!! Where has the time gone? My baby is 22 months old today. In 2 more months I will have a 2 year old, oh my goodness! I truly cannot believe how fast time has gone. I know that your baby is always your baby, but Mia really is a lot more like a baby than other kids even younger than her. I was with my friends nephew who is 18 months old and he seemed so much more *grown* up than Mia. I don't mind her being my baby, of course I would rather her not be globally delayed, but I love her anyway!! Here is the lil 22 month old in her pool today!!

More Evidence of How Blessed We Are...

Since the day that Mia was born I knew that God had a plan for her. Of course her birth was very traumatic and not the way that I prayed for it to be. I knew that God was taking care of her. I knew that He had a plan for her. If He wanted to take her away from us right at birth He could have, but He didn't. A matter of seconds could have changed Mia's story, though her birth was traumatic giving birth to a still born would be tragic. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed Mia the opportunity to live life. I am so thankful that I get to be Mia's mom. Being a mom to a special needs child isn't easy by any means but He thought that I was right for the job! What a huge compliment.
Everyday I know that we are very blessed and so many prayers have been answered for Mia. I know that things could be so different. To see Mia alive and active and to think back at her birth and read the birth records you wouldn't think this is the same kid. Yes, she is globally delayed. Yes, she is approaching 2 years old and has yet to speak and doesn't walk. Yes, the thought of her having to use a walker breaks my heart. I cry a lot. I often feel robbed, then comes the feeling of guilt because she can do so much and I know a lot of other children have more delays than her. I pray that Mia will catch up someday and I am thankful for all of the prayers that have been answered for Mia.
Mia had an OT eval today. I am telling you it is so wonderful to meet with excellent therapists! The OT today was GREAT. Again, like the PT the other day I really liked her, she is very nice. She was so compassionate when I told her Mia's birth story. Yes, I have had to replay her birth so many times lately. Today when I was telling the story I did have to fight back tears but it was also a huge reminder of how far she has come. Of course I want her to develop and achieve milestones like every other child, but the fact of the matter is, she isn't going to. This doesn't mean that the milestones won't be achieved and it doesn't mean when they are achieved that it won't mean as much because it is *late*. In fact it will probably mean even more to me since I know how hard things are for her. She is the sweetest girl and I love her so much!
The OT had so many good things to say about Mia and her abilities. She is also very excited to work with Mia because she said she is much higher functioning than all of the other children she works with. She said she is going to *push* Mia. She also said Mia will be one of those kids that has all of these delays and basically catches up all at once. I know she can't see the future, but this is very promising. It is so nice to have someone give you positive feedback. As far as Mia not stacking blocks and doing things like that she said those skills should be emerging soon and she also said because Mia is so smart that it is all about motivating her to do this stuff. I told her that I wasn't too sure about the infant development teacher, I feel like she doesn't control the session she allows Mia to. Mia and her don't play with the toys because Mia doesn't want to so she doesn't make her. I want her to help Mia not just be a playmate. The OT said that the infant devel should be working on most of the same things that OT is working on. She said most parents complain about the teachers and the lack of controlling the sessions and lack of children achieving their goals. She is going to try and come at the same time as the teacher and give her some suggestions on what she should be doing to help Mia progress.
Today was a good day. Thank you God for answering so many prayers for Mia and helping her get stronger and do more every single day!

Wink, Wink

Just something cute that I wanted to share. Mia can offically wink!!! My mom tells her to wink and she will!! It is so cute!!!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly...

Ok, so maybe not the ugly, but the good and the bad for sure.

The Good...Mia is showing that she comprehends things. I know that she is *all there* it is just nice when she does things that outwardly show me. Yesterday the PT was done with the eval and she packed up her toys in her duffle bag and zipped it up. Mia was sitting behind the therapist at this point because she was trying to (unprompted) get the therapist her shoes. She looked at me, she pointed at the bag and did the sign for MORE!!!!!!!! She's never done it like that before. I was so excited, ofcourse I wish she was talking but this was GREAT! Last week during infant development she wasn't feeling well and she didn't want to play anymore, she looked at the teacher and waved good bye to her. She has done that several times, when she is finished (in her mind) with therapy she will look at them and wave, usually they won't leave though. This time I did tell the teacher that Mia had enough for the day and we ended early.

The Good...Mia had OT today and the therapist says she already can see a very small improvement in Mia's strength. It has only been a few weeks and she missed last week so that is very good that she already sees her strength increased!! Mia should be getting her Kaye walker soon too. I spoke to the office lady that does the ordering and of course they hadn't done anything for it as of yet, but she did say our insurance should cover it and since it isn't custom ordered we should be able to pick it up at a medical supply store locally. I hope this means Mia will have her walker in the next couple of weeks. I am supposed to hear something by Saturday, if not I will follow up Monday.

The Good...I get to see my therapist again tomorrow!! I was feeling pretty good for the last few days and I thought, boy I think I will be able to make it through the session without balling. Wrong, I am feeling pretty down again. This is going to bring me to the BAD...being away from my hubby is so hard. This isn't the first or the last time that we will have to be separated. Sometimes it is easier to deal with than others. Right now I am struggling with it. I wish he was here, I miss him so much.

The Bad...so not to air my dirty laundry but my sister is getting married in OMG 17 days and our dad isn't going to attend. So, a brief history, my parents divorced when I was 9 years old and from the time I was 9 years old until May 2006 my dad was pretty non-existent in my life. We went about 10 straight years with no contact. He was heavily into drugs, he used to call on occasion and say how sorry he was but he was so out of it that it was always the *victim* excuse. 10 years went by, I saw him walking once while I was driving to school, I briefly saw him in passing at a family function and he asked me why I never call (uh, duh you never answer your phone and ofcourse you would never call me back). I just laughed it off and went on my way. In May 2006 I was informed that he was clean and sober and wanted to pursue a relationship. I was prego with Mia at the time and I said if he wanted to have a relationship he can write me a letter, I said I didn't want to talk to someone who wanted to make excuses for his actions. Well, me being the weak person that I am made the first attempt at contact and I wrote him a letter. I basically told him that I was sorry that he missed out on my life, but I lived my life and I gave him my phone number. He called me and things were going well. Mia was born and given the trauma he offered to come out to help out. My mom and sister were with me and it would have been weird with him so I declined. He was supposed to come out right before Thanksgiving (which I was basically I will believe it when I see it), but he didn't come out, his oldest daughter suddenly died. This was a valid excuse and he did end up coming out in March. Anyway, slowly the relationship that we were trying to rebuild started to dwindle. He didn't call too much, he was always complaining about being depressed but wouldn't do anything about it. My sister went in person and spoke to him and let him know that she really wanted him at the wedding but our step dad would walk her down the isle. The wedding is at my parents (mom and step dad who is really a dad to me)and my sister wanted my step dad to walk her down the isle since he has always been the one that was there for us. My bio dad said he understood and he knew that my sister would do that, he cried, but knew. It all sounds reasonable, but when you are dealing with someone who isn't reasonable, who is selfish and a wuss it's not reasonable. I haven't spoken to him since April 9th and that was only for a second because he was busy. I called him and no answer, no return call. I heard from my Aunt ( his sister) that it is just too hard for him and he won't be attending the wedding. Ok, so that is sissy enough that he can't man up and attend the wedding since he has missed every other major event in our life aside from our birth. But now he won't answer the phone or return our calls. I mean if you aren't going to attend fine, but don't make it worse and not even have the guts to say it to us. At this point I cannot continue to have a relationship with this man (not that I have a choice since he has yet again abandon me) but if he were to try and call and be apart of my life I won't do it. I can't have Mia around someone who is that selfish and undependable. So I guess that can be considered the UGLY too. I just can't see how someone could do that to their child. Especially since I have a child now, I just can't see ever being able to do something to disappoint her. He is so selfish.

The Bad...I spoke to the office girl at the hospital today and she said it will probably be another 4-8 weeks until Mia has a speech eval. This is a huge frustration for me. I want her to catch up in all aspects of development (duh) but she is getting increasingly frustrated with communication. I have no idea why she can't talk and it hurts my heart so much. I see her frustration when she is trying so hard to get me to understand what she wants, it's like shirades but I often end up on the losing team. She knows what she wants, but I can't always understand. I see her being very frustrated about not being able to walk and talk. She tries so hard to balance herself in order to stand and she babbles just something isn't working there. She is making positive steps though, she will do some copy noises, growling and similar noises. I need to find some books to educate me more on why kids don't speak. I mean I know about apraxia and other things, but I know it will help me if I read more about it.

Hodge Podge

Wow, I sure haven't been a very faithful blogger lately. I am slippin. It's not that I don't still have a love for bloggin, but I must admit CVS is taking my time, I am kind of two timing my blog. Ok, so I tried and I guess I am not that funny. It is true though, I have become an addict. Like a real one, I can't sleep and I get a real high after most of my CVS trips. If they don't go as planned and I don't get my fix, WATCH OUT! Ok, I won't go on and on about CVS though, I would love to. Cut to the chase. I went to CVS last night and sorry there is no photos but here is the run down.
27 oz bag of M & M's (6.00)
2 Garnier face scrub (5.99 each)
3 Nivea Shave Cream (3.99 each)
1 Reeces (.50)
2 Sour Patch Kids (.88 each)
I had the following coupons:
2 $1/1 for Garnier
1 $4/2 for Nivea
1 $1/1 for Nivea
1 $1/2 for candy
1 $3/15 CVS coupon
My Subtotal was $13.48 and I had ECB's that came out to $13.48 so I paid ZERO OUT OF POCKET. I got 10 ECB for Garnier and 5 ECB for Nivea

Today I went back and I got
3 Nivea Shave Gream
2 Garnier Face Scrub
1 Oral B Two Pack toothbrush
1 Halls Cough Drop
2 bags of Sour Patch Kids
Total was .37 out of pocket and I earned 10 ECB for Garnier, 6.99 ECB for Oral B, 5 ECB for Nivea and 5 ECB for the candy deal. I am lovin me some CVS
I will go tomorrow and earn another 21.98 in ECBS when I buy 2 more Oral B 2 pack toothbrushes, 1 Brut Deodorant and 2 Nivea shave creams. This is the greatest shopping addiction ever, I get the thrill of shopping, I get tons of products that I can use and I pay next to nothing!! My one complaint is I have to go to a CVS that isn't as close, not far but the one that is closest to the house is always out of everything, even when I get there right when the store opens the first day of the sale. They have ordering issues I guess.

Mia had a PT eval today. This is through EI. I liked the girl alot, she is just a couple of years older than me and we really hit it off. I think Mia will do well with her. I like her approach and her action plan. Mia will get at least 5 hours a month of PT and she said if she thinks she needs more they will authorize more. She doesn't think Mia will be able to handle anymore right now though being that she has 1 hour twice a week of PT and she has 1.5 hours a week of OT and soon to have 2 sessions of speech a week, this doesn't include her 1 hour of infant development or her SN My Gym class that is 2-3 times a week. Finally it is all coming together and Mia is getting not only a lot of therapy but EXCELLENT therapy. I am very pleased. She also said that based on her quick assessment Mia is most likely considered Scattered to 15 months in gross motor!! OF course solid 21 would be considered *normal* for her, but I am thrilled to hear 15 months, that is way more than I expected. She is coming along...slow and steady!

Speaking of slow I have a complaint. I take Mia once a week to the waddlers My Gym class, this is 14-22 month old *normal* kids and one of the mothers almost got punched by me (well, not exactly, but she did rub me the wrong way). First of all, her kid is probably much younger than Mia (I wouldn't know though because none of the parents talk to anyone, kind of weird). Her kid is short and tiny. Mia is tiny, but she is on the taller end (she is below the 5th percentile for weight, but about the 75th percentile for height). Anyway back to complaining, Mia was playing in a swing they have a hammock with a green turtle sandbox inside of it. Mia was being silly and laid down in the sandbox (w/out sand) and the mother walks by and looks in at Mia and tells her kid " Do you see the baby?" I am sure she meant nothing by it, but I was annoyed, it was like she was getting a cheap shot in on Mia because she doesn't walk. I let it roll, but obviously it didn't roll all the way off or else I wouldn't still be bent about it. To stay on the track on complaining I get tired of people commenting on how S L O W Mia is. Yes, she is slow, but does everyone think that I don't know that so they want to point it out? For instance, a stranger will say, wow, she is so slow, she must be tired. Or wow, does she always move that slow? I want to say, well actually this is quite fast considering she was not moving at all when she was born and she had to be resuscitated, but thanks for noticing!

Well, I am suddenly way too tired to continue. I have more but that will have to wait.

One Hand Closer to Independent Walking...

I haven't had a chance to post lately. Today I was going to skip it again, but I decided to stay up a little later to post. Let's see, where have we been...

Thursday I met with the therapist for the first time. I don't have a lot to compare her to, but I liked her and felt comfortable talking to her. I cried a lot (which I expected) but I also said a lot. It was so nice to just tell someone every little *secret* you have. She will try and get to the bottom of why I won't open up to friends/family. I mentioned it to her and I told her reasons why I might be that way but said I really wasn't sure. I dropped a bomb on her towards the end of the session (not on purpose) but she was totally not expecting that to come out of my mouth. I could tell by her facial expressions and then she used the work *prick*, which made me laugh. She was going to meet with me again this week but she only had one day open and it conflicted with Mia's therapy. I go back next week. I can't wait. Though it felt good getting so much off my chest I still have so many things that I have kept in for so long that I am dying to get out. I felt a little uneasy afterwards the more I thought about things that I said/didn't say. I knew I couldn't possibly go through every single issue I have with her in 45 minutes, but it was almost like your favorite TV show that you are all into and then it says "...To Be Continued" you feel like OH MAN and then the anticipation grows. All and all though I am very glad I met with her. She said that I haven't been able to fully grieve about all of my hopes, dreams and expectations that were changed during my labor with Mia. So we will work on that too.

Friday, hmm, what was Friday? I must say it was boring, I can't even think of anything we did.

Saturday...Mia had PT and it went so great! I was worried since her OT appointment on Wednesday was bad. She likes the PT much better, she is more experienced and has great interation with Mia. She asked me how much walking Mia does throughout the day. I told her 50 percent or more per day. I have to let her walk (holding my hands of course) everywhere we go. She flips out otherwise. She was having her do exercises on the stairs and then she said she wanted to see how Mia did with a walker. I have to say I have wondered for a while why Mia hasn't been given a walker, but at the same time I didn't push the issue for obvious reasons. So she takes Mia by the hand (yes, hand as is JUST ONE HAND) and walks her to the closet to get the walker. Mia walked so good. I commented that Mia has never walked that well holding just one hand. She gets the walker and says she wants to see how Mia does in the walker and how long she can handle it. Well, that little girl took off and walked and walked and walked and walked and finally the session was over and we had to peel her off of the walker. She walked for 20 minutes straight, through the halls of the hospital, outside, on a slant and only fell one time! She was so happy and smiled and giggled the entire time. It was so amazing to see her on it, she knew exactly what to do with it. Of course as much as I felt so happy seeing her so happy and proud I will say that it broke my heart. People would stop and look, turn and look and whisper something. I know that they don't mean anything by it and that it isn't everyday that you see a little 3 foot tall kid cruising around with a walker, but it still hurt my heart. I am just so thankful that Mia is too little to know or care when they stop and look. She actually has a look on her face like everyone must think she is just the coolest!! I know that walker is supposed to be temporary and is a good thing. The PT says it speeds up the independent walking and most kids only use them for a few months. I am not going to get too excited about that yet though, I was told the same thing about the SMO's and she isn't walking yet. Realistically I knew that Mia wouldn't get the SMO's and be walking in a month, but at the sametime the unrealistic side of me hoped for that. I felt pretty down after the appointment. I called Mike (husband for anyone who forgot/cares) and he listened and made me feel a little better. I took Mia outside to play and guess what? She walked many times (about 15 minutes)though the backyard being held by one hand! She was so proud and laughed the entire time!!! I am so proud of her. She knows (since she is the ALL KNOWING ONE) that my heart broke to see her with the walker so she is going to try her hardest to walk before her walker arrives!!! Ok, I know that is getting a little carried away...it's late.

Sunday...5:30 AM wake up to the lovely sound of puking! Poor Mia has the flu bug. I had to wash all of her bedding, it was in her hair, on her stuffed dog, it was so gross. After the morning puke she finally went back to sleep and just had yucky poo all day but at the end of the night she puked again...this time in the toilet!! She had more yucky poo which gives her horrible diaper rash and she hasn't eaten much over the last two days.

Today she seemed good enough to go to her My Gym class for the first structured class. It went well, she cried at first when they were singing, but she is a little *drama* sometimes. I liked the flow of things at My Gym, it is a lot better than Gymboree Play and Music. I am so thrilled to say this My Gym is starting up a SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS!!! I am so excited. I can't wait. Mia will still go to the waddlers class each week, but during June, July and August she gets two classes a week for the price of one! So she will get to be around typical kids and other super kids that are special like her! I am so excited, I haven't had the chance to meet (in person) any other SN parents or kids. I just can't wait!!!!

Wow!!! If you read this entire post you probably want to go and take a nap. That was a lot of boring writing I just did...

Lazy Bones...

Mia woke up today and was very tired. I think all of her somersaults last night wore her out. She had a horrible OT session. OT is new to us and this was Mia's 3rd visit. I do like the homework she gives to Mia, but I don't like that she calls Mia girlfriend, but the one that really gets me is when she calls her lazy bones. I know that she doesn't mean anything by it and when she said it last week I just ignored it and let it roll off. Today it bothered me. I know the therapist was frustrated with Mia because she would not cooperate, but she is trained to work with children and I know that there is no way that Mia could be her most challenging patient. When Mia wouldn't do the work she kept calling her lazy bones. I know sometimes Mia does not want to do things, but I don't think she is lazy, I think it is hard for her and sometimes when work is hard we don't want to do it. Mia needs her core strengthened so much, she is so weak. My goal is to do my best and having Mia do her homework at least once a day this entire week. It will be a challenge, sometimes I just don't want to do the therapy, I just want things to happen for her.

We went to My Gym for a free play today. It was interesting. It is kids of all ages so it was pretty wild. Mia really enjoyed it there. I let her take me to whatever it was that she wanted to do. She jumped on the trampoline, climbed up the stairs, played in the ball pit, crawled up and down the ramp, went down the slide and her favorite thing was this little stair thing that looked like a piece of therapy equipment. It had 3 small stairs, then it had a flat area and 3 more small stairs, it had 2 bars, one on each side. Mia got up there and climbed up the stairs but when it came to going down the stairs (which are very small and close together) she didn't know what to do. Her palms were so sweaty, she was nervous. She figured it out though! I couldn't get myself to talk to her, but there was one other SN mom. Her child was older and more advanced than Mia. I knew by the way the mom played with her that this was no ordinary child, she was much more than ordinary. She was very cute, sweet and friendly. I could tell by the way the mother spoke to her that she has been in those therapy sessions so much that the words "nice crawling, or good balancing" came to her like second nature. When I first heard her talking I thought, well, maybe my interactions and therapies with Mia aren't much different than those of a *typical* child. I knew I was wrong though. A short time later I overheard her speaking to the director about her child's issues with physical development. I wanted to speak to the mother, but it just never was appropriate, but maybe I will see her again.

I really don't like Dr. Phil, but I often watch his show because it gives me an hour of comedy. Today before we left for My Gym he was on and I saw a brief clip of a little girl who was born prematurely, she weighted less than 2 pounds at birth. This was her adoptive mother speaking about the child and music therapy. I missed part of it, but basically this child was not supposed to see, walk, talk or hear. She spoke her first word at 3.5 years old during music therapy. She is able to not only walk but run and she does speak. I need to get on Dr. Phils website and see if I can find out more details on this child. It was so inspiring and gives me even more hope for Mia's future. I wish TLC or Discovery Health would start a series on children with CP or developmental delays. I would so tune in, Jon & Kate + 8 is getting old, time to switch it up a notch. Show day to day life of a special needs child, therapy sessions, mobility issues, feeding issues, the emotional wear and tear on the parents, how hard we work to find answers, to find doctors, etc. Ok, I am going on and on. I do wish that they would though. Not that anyone who has not walked in our shoes could fully appreciate what it is like, but it would certainly give insight.

One last thing, back when Mia had her hearing appointment in February I was on the way to the hospital and I was talking on the phone to my mom. I told her that Mike was meeting me there because I could not be there alone if they told me again that she had *borderline hearing loss*. I said I could not handle it. She said: Well, that's why you are going. If she needs hearing aids, well, then you will get them." That really irked me. I replied: "Yeah like you would have wanted your little 1 year old wearing hearing aids. Of course if that is what she needs I will do it but that is not what I want." And of course she still doesn't get it and comfort me she responds: "Well, you think I want that for my granddaughter?" It was pointless, she will never get it, I am not saying that as the grandmother Mia's *issues* haven't made her heartache, but she had 4 children, all healthy, her grandmother pain isn't the same as mine. I don't care what she thinks, it's just not. Well, the other day she was venting to my older sister about my younger sister and something that was going on that was bothering her and my sister replied: "Well, so." My mom said, well, when you have a daughter and if this goes on with her then that is what I will tell you, well so. Later on I asked my mom what that was all about and she told me about my my older sisters response to my mom when she was venting. I said, well now you know what it feels like to have someone discount your pain. I reminded her of the conversation we had on the way to the hospital and how even when I tried to give her insight on my pain she still turned it around and made it about how she felt. She didn't apologize, I didn't expect her to, but she did say, well I guess it is true, you can't fully understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through it yourself.

Somersault...

I haven't posted for several days. I have been busy making jewelry for my sisters wedding. She is getting married in a month. Up until a couple of weeks ago I didn't *bead* but I offered to make jewelry for the bridal party. I figured I would be able to do it. I am almost finished, I have one bracelet and two pairs of earrings left to make. The bracelets are the hardest so far because the chain is so small. I will post pictures soon. It is kind of addicting though. I did go and buy some of the tools needed (pliars, wire cutters, etc) so I figured I should make some more things. I offered to make my mom one too(as her Mother's Day gift). I then decided I would make myself a pretty cell phone lanyard and I bought beads to make Mia two necklaces. I am in my friends wedding in less than 2 weeks and I thought it would be cute to have a pretty necklace for Mia to go with her dress. Of course she couldn't wear the same necklace twice (ha ha!) so I bought more supplies to make another necklace to go with the beautiful dress Mia is wearing to my sister's wedding. It's fun to do. The hardest part is figuring out the design. I am doing chain style so it takes a little longer than if I was just stringing onto wire. I bought some wire and stretch material to see how I like that too.

I am excited to go and see the therapist on Thursday. I am nervous though. I have no real idea of what to expect. I feel like I have so many *issues* to address. I worry that because I am so sensative that I will just cry the entire time. Which I am ok with crying as long as I am able to still speak. I hope I like this lady. I was so emotionally overwhelmed two weeks ago when I called to schedule this appointment, it was kind of funny because she didn't answer but her voice on the machine sounded so sweet and caring I about cried. When they sceretary called to schedule and she asked what was going on and why I wanted to meet with her I almost could not get it out without crying. I at one point said: "well, I have a 21 month old daughter (but I took a long pause to prevent crying) and she replied, oh how cute. I then finished with saying that she has special needs and it can be very overwhelming.

So, my title: Somersault...I know it isn't a milestone, but who says I can't celebrate it if I want to?! When we were still in Hawaii Mia started to try and do somersaults. She did do one on the bed but hasn't been able to get all the way over since. Tonight she was so determined and she did it...many times. She was so excited with herself that she started to clap and laugh and poor girl, when she laughs hard she snorts!!! I was so happy for her. She is such a hard worker. I just wish her daddy was here so he could see his proud baby girl! She just kept doing them. It started with her trying to do it but not sure what to do exactly. So as she was in her position I showed her how to walk her feet closer to her head and roll. She laughed so hard and then tried it herself and SUCCESS!! See, she knows she is starting My Gym soon and they are gymnastics based so she wants to get ahead of the game! That is my *all knowing* girl! Last week I did cartwheels for her and she thought it was so funny. I am sure I do look funny, but was pleased that after all these years I can still do them, maybe not as graceful as I once was, but that's ok, who's scoring?

Say That...

Oops I got a little carried away in my previous post. I forgot to blog about what I originally came on here for. Mia had her OT appointment yesterday. It went well, she worked really hard and was exhausted afterwards. I really like the OT. My mom doesn't, but she doens't like anyone who has anything *negative* to say about Mia. She loved the PT the day before because she basically only had positive things to say. I guard myself against being like her and being a deffensive mom. I've been through a lot with Mia, I don't want people to sugar coat things, tell me like it is, tell me what we can do to fix/help it and move on. The OT gave Mia some good homework though and it's going good so far. Things are falling into place now if she can start speech therapy I would be a happier mama!

Mia had her teacher come to the house to play on Tuesday. To be honest, it's a little weird. I have to give it time since Mia didn't have a teacher in Hawaii, this wasn't offered. She basically sat there and watched Mia play and I sat there and watched Mia play. She did guide her a few times, but that Mia, boy she is so stubborn. The teacher was showing Mia how to pound a hammer and Mia was more interested in taking all of the toys out of the suitcase. Mia loves to sit in suitcases...weird I know! I was surprised that she wasn't sitting in the suitcase and actually kind of playing with the toys. She was taking out a lot of toys, little by little and pretending to want to play with them. The teacher shows Mia how to pound the toy with the hammer and gives Mia the hammer to do it. Mia doesn't want to do it (surprise!) because she is busy trying to take the toys out of the suitcase. The teacher again encourages her to try, so what does Mia do? She continues to take the toys out of the suitcase with one hand and takes the hammer with the other hand and without taking her eye off the suitcase she starts to pound the toy that the teacher is holding! How she managed to pound all of the worms through without looking is amazing! I couldn't help but laugh! That's Mia for you!! Eventually before the session was over Mia was in the suitcase and a happy camper!! Mia doens't play with toys the right way, you know, stack blocks, put the rings on, etc so I asked the teacher how to get her to go it. I mean, I have tried the obvious and we've worked on it for months and months and she still won't do it. She didn't really give me any advice, she said that is why she is there to work on that. Dumb, like one hour a week is going to help, I need to know too!!

Mia is trying so hard to stand up! She started in her little pool the other day. She would push herself up off the bottom of the pool and try and stand, she would fall, but she tried. Now she is trying so hard in the house to do it. She is getting close. It is so cute to see!! She will also test her balance and is getting to about 2-3 seconds before fallling. She is figuring out how to maintain balance, she just hasn't put it all together yet!!

Oh yeah and I think Mia is using a word!! She has been babbling so much lately and repeating the same babbles and actions. She points to things and it sounds like she is saying "THAT"!! Oh I keep praying that she will learn to use her words soon!

Hope

I just got through reading an email that truly touched my heart. The words that were written weren't exactly directed toward me but I had to hold back the tears. These were tears of joy. I know that things with Mia will never be easy, she will always have to work harder and longer to accomplish things that to other kids comes so easily. I am ok with that. I sometimes feel *sorry* for her, but what good does that do? She is a hard worker and there is nothing wrong with working hard to accomplish things. If I feel sorry for her it can have a negative impact on her self esteem later in life. She is who she is and God has a plan for her. When she was born she brought more and more people closer to God through prayer. She had people from all over the US praying for her. People would always ask " How's that baby Mia doing?" To see her remarkable progress is a true testament to God's healing hand! God has answered so many prayers for Mia. I don't know how someone without faith could go through such a trying time. I just can't imagine going through this without knowing that God has a plan and He is there to give me strength when I am weak. Within the last week the emotion has been overwhelming, I cannot believe that God trusted me to be a mom of a special needs child. What a compliment that He thought that I could handle this huge task!

I look back on the last 21 months with Mia and it gives me hope. I think of all of the things that I used to worry about and pray about that are not even an issue anymore. When I first realized that she should be holding her head up and she wasn't she was about 4 months old. I walked out to the car because we were getting ready to leave and I just burst out crying and said "Can't you just hold your head up?" As I put her in her carseat I leaned over and gave her the biggest kiss and told her I was so sorry. I felt so bad for saying that to her. Later that day I called my mom crying about what a mean mommy I was and I told her what I said, but then I told her that Mia not holding her head up was my problem, not Mia's. She didn't care if she could hold her head up she was happy, hanging head and all. It was then that I realized that my reactions to her and her (dis) abilities would have a huge impact on her. I have to teach her to be happy with what she can do, have self esteem and to love herself. No matter the situation there is always someone who is smarter than you, faster than you, prettier than you etc. On the flip side their is also someone who has it worse than you. Be thankful for what you have. I used to worry a lot about Mia drooling too and I thought oh no kids are going to make fun of her! I would cry and cry...for what? She doesn't drool anymore (but she does spit...bad habit). She used to make this screetching noise with her throat and I thought it was so cute! One day I stopped and thought what if she is spending the night at her friends house and she makes that noise, they will laugh at her. I cried and cried, for what again? She doesn't do that anymore, she makes a similar noise to be funny though.

So back to the email...it was basically an e-mail of hope. One SN mom to another. One who's been there done that, had the same pains and worries and now has an almost 5 year old, who, yes still needs therapy but is entering *typical* kindergarten!!

I Love Mia's New PT!

I have to make this quick because we are waiting for the teacher to come and play with Mia. I am interested to see what this is all about. We didn't have a teacher as an option for therapy in Hawaii. This is through EI. They are giving Mia a teacher until they have a space for OT for Mia (which isn't until July). I will post the teacher visit information later on!!

Mia had her PT eval today and I loved her! She was great, very nice and had ONLY GOOD things to say about Mia and her abilities!! It was a shock when her first question was: "When was Mia's diagnosed with CP?" I said...she's hasn't been, then she showed me a paper from the new doctor that said DX: CP. I laughed, I probably sounded like the mom in denial. I explained to her that this doctor doesn't know her, didn't even see her medical records and saw her for 5 minutes just to give us referrals for service. She agreed that Mia didn't have a lot of CP characteristics. I am aware that a CP dx is in Mia's future. I would be surprised if they didn't dx her. I am just glad to be buying time without the dx right now.

The PT commented on how wonderful Mia's range of motion is, how she doesn't have hypertonia and that she moves very well. She did mention she is a little slow in her movements, but thinks that she will get quicker in time. She is going to see her on a weekly basis, but she says that Mia needs to be in a play group more than in PT!! That was nice to hear. I am going to sign Mia up for the My Gym classes, but I was waiting for the therapies to start so I could see what kind of a schedule she would have. Mia will start the My Gym by Monday for sure!!

I am sure there will be other things that I think of about today's appointment, but I am just on cloud 9 that I can't remember everything!! I do see how all of the frustration and heartache I was having has paid off and things are once again coming together. Thank you God for always taking care of us!

Ok, gotta run and get ready for the teacher!!!

Not Fun...

I went to Vegas for a friends bachelorette party. I didn't want to go, but I am a bridesmaid in her wedding so I did feel obligated to go. I tried my best to have fun and I think to everyone around me it did appear that I was having fun.

The worst part about it was having to leave Mia. I am not ready to leave her overnight like that. I left at 10:45AM and was home by 3:30pm the next day, but it was too long for me! The brides mom works for Southwest so we flew round trip for free and it is less than an hour flight so that was good.

I don't get it though. We are all almost 30, close to 30 or over 30 and the way they acted is just not my style. I am not going to write it all out, but it was pretty trashy in my opinion. I am not into *slutty* I guess...call me crazy!

Glad to be home and near Mia. She is getting to the point where she no longer wants to be fed. She insists on feeding herself. I am glad that she is making this transition into becoming a full self feeder. She eats better when I let her do it and she is doing pretty good with it. She loves the water and we have a small pool set up for her. It's been so HOT so she has gotten to swim a lot. She refuses to go in naked or with just a swim diaper. It's funny though because in the house lately she wants to be naked. She is able to get herself into a standing position in the pool by pushing off the ground and hold herself balanced for a few seconds. I think it is great exercise for her!! I don't recomend Huggies Swim Diapers. I have a fricken stock load of those things too. I bought tons of them on clearance last year because Mia did aquatherapy and they were such a good price. She was outside of the pool yesterday standing there and pee just shoots straight out of the diaper. She might as well swim without them. I hope they hold in the poo!

WOO HOO!

Yay!! Mia had her first therapy appointment today. It was for the OT evaluation at the rehab hospital. She has the PT eval. on Tuesday and we are still waiting to hear about speech. I am so thrilled that Mia finally started therapy! She is going to go once a week for OT starting Wednesday!! They also gave us some exercises to do at home...back to the therapy BALL! I got home and EI called and said the OT for them is booked until July! Oh my, 1 step forward and another back! The EI is going to send a teacher to the home once a week in the mean time to play. So not a total loss.

I am so thrilled that Mia is finally starting her therapy. She did good today and they thought she was funny, smart and cute!! The OT did mention how weak Mia's trunk is, but offered more activities to do at home to increase her strength. I know that she won't walk until she has more strength so we will work as hard as she can to get her stronger!!

OT wants Mia to stop wearing her SMO's until we meet with PT on Tuesday. They may not be fitting properly because she is getting sores. Poor little honey. I just thought that they started to bother her a little because she has been walking more.

My appointment for my therapy is going to be on May 29th. I am really looking forward to talking with this lady. I sure hope it goes well. I am nervous about meeting with her though. I am very sensative and I often have a hard time discussing things without crying. I was told when I was 10 years old that I cry as a defense mechanism so I don't have to talk anymore. Well, you know what...I never talked to that idiot therapist again after that. I want to talk and I want to get it out there, I cry because the pain is that strong and having to say these things out loud validates my feelings and makes them real. I would much rather talk about them and get them out in the open rather than carrying this weight around!

Therapy

Yeah!!! Mia's getting even closer to therapy. The OT/PT called yesterday to set up her evaluation appointment at the rehab hospital. I called them back, but the person isn't in yet. I will be calling soon and I hope she will be seen next week!! Things are coming together. It worked out that she didn't have any appointments this week since she has been sick.

Mia is now 21 months old. I cannot believe how fast time flies once you have a kiddo!! The other day I held her while she fell asleep and I didn't want to lay her down. Soon she will be too big to hold and cuddle like that. She is so funny too. She is obsessed with shoes because of me. I've always liked shoes, then when I knew she was going to be a girl the shoe frienzy began. I loved how cute those tiny little shoes looked so I would buy her tons of shoes. Most she never even wore. Anyway, the other day I tried on a pair of flip flops for myself and she looked at me and lifted up her foot and tried to take off her shoes so she could try on the shoe. I bought her a pair of Roxy flip flops in her size as play shoes because she loves shoes, but she gets nervous and stiff when she has them on. It's strange. Ever since she got her SMO's I have wanted her to have a pair of white sandles to wear with dresses. I bought her a pair of white Pediped shoes and they were cute, but not sandles. Yesterday I found a pair of white Stride Rite sandles, they are so CUTE and they fit with her SMO's. Even better they were mismarked on clearance for $8.99 but they were not supposed to be!! I am so thrilled!!

I am having a hard time. My friend is having her bach. party in Vegas this weekend and I am supposed to go...I am a bridesmaid. I don't want to go. I am not into parying, drinking, strip clubs, etc. I said before I am a prude. I am not uptight, well I don't think. I used to party and drink, I am just not into anymore, especially since I am a mom. I want to cry thinking about leaving Mia for the night. Everyone is going for 2 nights, I said I would go for 1, but I dont' want to. I will be gone just about 24-26 hours, but I haven't left her overnight since her month stay in the NICU. I know she will be fine and safe, I just hate to be away from her.

I am going to finally see a therapist. I have so many things that I need to talk about. I blog about a lot of them ,but somethings are just too painful. I can no longer continue to live with this much pain and the pain of keeping it all in is just too much for me to handle. I stayed up for 2 hours just crying and crying last night. My eyes are swollen and my head hurts. I hope this lady is worth my while.

CVS

Ok, I don't normally post about my CVS shopping, but this is just too good not to post! I am sorry I do not have a picture to really capture the greatness of my bargains today! I am new to CVS, but it's so fun and addicting!

I am having trouble though because I have enough toothbrushes to last me and my husband a couple of years. I have enough razors, toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, baby wipes, etc to last me at least 18 months. What am I going to buy now?!

Ok, here is what I got today:

2 Pampers 160 ct each wipes $4.00 each minus $2 manu. coupon
2 Hawaiian Tropics Lip Sunscreen $1.99 each & earned $10 ECB's
1 Johnson's Buddy's Soap $0.99, used $.99 manu coupon making it free!
1 Crest Spin Brush $4.49 & earned $2.00 ECB
Total before tax coupons and ECB was $17.46-2.99 manu coupons $14.47
I used a $5 cash card which was really an ECB but it didn't print so they gave me the cash card on Sunday bringing the total to $9.47 minues ECB my total out of pocket... 6 cents!

I paid .06 out of pocket and I got $12 ECB back!

Just Call Me a JINX!

Ok, so yesterday in my blog I was explaining how Mia is almost 21 months old and has only had 1 cold. Well, I think I jinxed the poor baby. She woke up this morning with a COLD! She has been sneezing and lots of gunk is flying out, she is a bit stuffed up to! I guess I spoke too soon!! She's a trooper though, she still has her spunky attitude and her sweet disposition!!

Mia will be 21 months old tomorrow (5/13)! Time sure flies. Finally she gets to ride facing forward!! I turned her car seat around today...good thing too with all the sneezing I wouldn't be able to reach her rear facing! She is about 21 pounds, but I opted to keep her rear facing because it is safer. In Europe (I've heard) they make all kids remain rear facing until age 3 regardless of weight. I was forced to put Mia forward though, her legs were getting way too long to continue to sit like that. Even with the car seat fully reclined her legs were all squished!!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's almost over here in Southern California, but I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!

I had a pretty good day. I celebrated my second Mother's Day this year and again I was without my dear hubby. He sent me (well, Mia did...) some flowers in a pretty pink (my favorite color) vase. They smell really good. I actually thought he forgot about Mother's Day this year, but he didn't. He did ruin the surprise though because he called and asked if I got the flowers and they hadn't been delivered yet. They came late, like 4 in the afternoon. They were very pretty though. I hope next year Mike will also be around for Mother's Day. I am missing him like crazy right now!!!

The Let It Be Foundation..

On Saturday I did my first 5k. It was actually a 5K plus, it was probably 1/4 mile or so longer than a 5k, but I don't really know...I know that I hit the 5K marker and we still had to keep going! Luckily this was just a fun 5k walk/run so the pressure wasn't on me to run the entire thing. I would have loved to run the entire thing, but even though it's just a 5K I wasn't ready for that. Aside from the fact that I just started running again about a month ago, I had a week off due to knee issues, but all of my running has been on the track. Well, I do run the stairs, but that isn't much compared to the hills that were on this 5K. My parents live in a city called Chino Hills and the hills part is no joke. The route we took was more up than down and yes what goes up must come down, but not this route. It starts out with a slight grade up, it gets steeper and then it levels off, you go a slight grade down and then back up again. You get the point, it was HARD for me! I am going to look into getting a jogging stroller so Mia can join me next time.

I did this run for the Let It Be Foundation. It is a local non-profit organization that raises money for families of terminally ill children. They give the money to these families to try and restore some normalcy back into their lives. Money for the movies, a coffee, a housekeeper, etc. The foundation is in memory of their daughter Karla who died from a brain tumor. She was in high school when she found out she had a brain tumor and within months she passed away.

Before the run began they called up some kids that we were supporting. They help families with children up to 17 years old. There was 1 girl who was up their because she was in remission, 1 boy also had cancer and it was his 14th birthday. One girl who was a friend of Karla's was celebrating her 18th birthday. She told her friends and family that she didn't want a party or presents, but she wanted everyone to celebrate her birthday by doing the 5K. It was a very emotional morning, hearing Karla's parents speak was heart breaking. Then they bring up a little boy 2-3 years old, that was just so hard to see. I looked at his mother and thought about how she must feel dealing with a terminally ill toddler. I told my sister (who was with me at the run) how I couldn't imagine going through what that mother is going through. I told her it makes me feel really bad when I feel sorry for myself that Mia can't walk/talk and is delayed and then another mother is dealing with a terminally ill child. It gave me a new outlook on Mia's life. She is very healthy, in fact she is almost 21 months and beside her month stay in the NICU after she was born she has only been sick 1 time! Yes, I feel sad when I see other kids her age walking/talking etc or when I think about what Mia's future will be like, but I have to be thankful for what I do have and for what Mia can do. She is a very smart, determined, hard working and happy little girl. Ofcourse I think she is just adorable too!

I've learned a lot of things about myself in the past couple of weeks. I have a lot of work to do to improve myself, but acknowledging it is the first step. I have come to realize that I am much more negative than I thought I was. I do focus on the negative stuff too much. I have a lot of patience with Mia and some stuff, but with other things I am quick to 'fly off the handle' well, not off the handle but I can have low tolerance for some people/things. I like to blame it on the 'spanish' that's in me, but that's no excuse!: ) I want to be the best mother for Mia and the best wife for my hubby.

Drum Roll Please...

Before we left Hawaii Mia had blood drawn. This was requested by the neuro to check a variety of things including some functions (liver, metabolism, etc) and genetic testing. We knew the next day that the blood work testing the fuctions and lactic acid levels all came back normal which was a relief, but we kind of expected it. Basically he wants to start ruling things out. He said reading Mia's history, etc a doctor most likely would want to come in and give her a CP dx, but based on her MRI, what she is doing (though she is globally delayed) he just didn't feel comfortable giving her that dx. He wanted to make sure that her traumatic birth hasn't over shadowed something else that may be wrong.

I was looking over Mia's medical records and one of the PT's stated in her report that I told her that Mia was given a CP dx, which was a misunderstanding on the PT's end. So I called her to ask her to ammend it. She is going to and then she told me she would have the neuro call me. DRUM ROLL.... So he called and the genetic testing also came back NORMAL! Thank you, God!!! He said well, all of the blood work including the genetic testing came back normal so there we have it. He said that this completes this set of testing but her new doctor may decide to do more testing in the future depending on her abilities etc.

I was thrilled (not surprised, but relieved). My first thought was YEA! Then I was like, great we have no DX still. Then as I smacked myself, I said wait Tara you never wanted a DX in the first place get a grip. I feared that having a DX would hinder things. I felt that a label might make it difficult for me to have faith that she will 'catch up' someday! I still know that a CP dx is still a very real possibility and I know that in many situations having a dx can be helpful. I know all of Mia's therapists and new doctors keep trying to get me to give them a dx, but I stand firm and tell them she has not been given a dx.

When things are so upside down for me and Mike right now and I see all of the prayers that have been answered for Mia I have faith. I have faith that God will see us through yet another seperation. He has not left my side through all of the trials with Mia He won't leave me now!

Prayers Please

Being a military spouse just plain sucks sometimes! Right now is one of those times. Mike has been in the Navy for 10 years and he has at least 10 more to go. We have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4 1/2 years. Our relationship has stood many trials. At different times we've both wanted to throw in the towel, but we've made it through. Our longest seperation was 9.5 months which I don't know how I made it through. I lived alone not even near any family. It was very difficult. I had a routine, I put on a smiling face throughout the day and pretended everything was ok and once I got home from work I cried and cried, for hours. It helped me be able to wake up the next day and fake that everything was just great.

I thought that this seperation wouldn't be so bad since he wasn't deployed, but just in another state for school. It has been just as hard if not harder than when he was actually deployed. He becomes very distant when he is away. That is his way to deal with things...ignore it. A typical week for him would be to email two times and call once or twice. Sometimes it is even less if he is in a bad mood. I would love it if he would call and email everyday. I know it won't happen, that's not him. He is doing better than before, but for me it's still not enough. He is having a super hard time being away from Mia. To deal with it he just tries to block her out of his mind. He did web chat with her the other night though, she loved it! She's a daddy's girl.

Please say a prayer for us that we find the strength to make it through yet another seperation. Please pray for all of the military that is seperated from their husbands, wives, children and other family.

Being Over Sensative

UGH! Last night I went with Mia, my parents and sister to my dad's friends house. It was a surprise birthday party. I didn't know anyone there and nobody knew me, but one lady and her husband knew me from when I was little, but I didn't remember them. Anyway obviously these people don't know Mia and her delays etc. She was really shy at first and stuck to me like glue. Once she was comfortable she was being her usual self. Then the questions & comments came. I know that these people were not being mean at all, but I am over sensative. First, does she walk?...NO. Later it was:How old is she?...20 months, followed by: Oh let's see, that means in the next 6 months she will be speaking in full sentences. ME: Laugh, yeah I hope so. (right). Later Mia was sitting on a chair finger feeding herself some pasta and it was: Wow, look how slow she moves. Does she always move that slow? That one hurt badly, she is very slow in her movements, but it's hard when someone (a stranger) that only saw her for an hour noticed it. My dad just piped up: She's cautious. I later told my mom that was hard to hear but I knew it wasn't said to be hurtful, just an observation. The last one was directed to my mom: Did you get to see her be born? My mom just said, no I came the next day. Which is true and that was planned even before Mia's birth was so traumatic. It hurt because no one got to see her be born, I was put to sleep, my husband was left in the dark (left in the hallway not being told anything) and then she was practically dead when she was born (not breathing, totally limp). I know this because Mike walked to the OR and was outside the window and saw her right after they pulled her out! It was very painful for him to see and that vision still pops into his head at times and is hard on him still.

I know that this is just something that I am going to have to deal with. The older she gets and the further behind she becomes the more obvious it is going to be. I have to be strong and not show that I am bothered by it, I would never want Mia to feel bad about it.

I'm Happy/I'm Sad

I'm Happy because Mia is one step closer to therapy.

I am sad because once again I had to face the reality that Mia is not a 'typical' toddler.

Yesterday I had the intake appointment with the Early Intervention program. It is not through Easter Seals (like it was in Hawaii) so it is a little different. It is differnt for the better though. I thought this was just the intake (paperwork) appointment, but they actually had a teacher come to do the evaluation and they gave me their report right on the spot. I heard bad things about the EI program in this area and because I had to wait so long for an appointment I figured it wouldn't be that great of a program. I was thrilled that so far the program actually seems very good. I got almost everything that I wanted and I didn't have to fight for it. Mia was going to get Speech Therapy, Physical Therapy and a teacher 1 day each for 1 hour each. I asked about the Occupational Therapy and she was going to check on it because of the number of hours (or something...). About 10 minutes later she asked me if I would be okay if she took the teacher out of the home and replaced it with Occupational Therapy. I ofcourse want her to have everything, but I would much rather the OT than the teacher so I said yes!! I should be getting a call within a week or two to start setting the appointments. PT will come to the home, but for the OT and ST we will have to travel, but I don't mind!!! I also FINALLY got the approval for Mia to have private PT,ST and OT at a pediatric rehab!!! For the OT and ST she is approved basically for 1 session each a week for a year. The PT for some reason they only approved 1 session a week for 5 months, but they will approve more if she needs it!!! If I can find a place for pediatric aquatherapy they will approve that too!!! I am so happy, happy, happy that after all of the frustration I had with trying to get therapy that it is paying off!! I wanted LOTS of therapy for Mia and we got it!!!!

I was so happy after the appointment because Mia was going to get the therapy that she needs, but I was so sad too. Sad that she even has to have all of this therapy. Sad that the first list of questions were yes or no questions relating to speech and I had to answer every single one with a NO! I almost started crying (like I am now). Then it came to "why did you have a c-section?" I've answered this question many times and even more lately with all the new doctors and therapists I have talked to. Normally I can answer it without having to think about it and I won't cry. I was already sad about all the NO's that I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn't cry when I told the story of Mia's birth. Here is the breakdown of Mia:


She is 20 months 2 weeks and 4 days
SOCIAL/EMOTIONAL: 12 months
ADAPTIVE/SELF HELP: 12-15 Mos; 16 Mos; 16-19 months (very scattered)
FINE MOTOR: 9 months
COGNITIVE: 9 months -GULP, but I dissagree
COMMUNICATION (RECEPTIVE & EXPRESSIVE): Michigan= Rec. 12 mos Exp. 12 mos; REEL #3 Rec. 16 mos Exp. 8 mos
GROSS MOTOR: scattered 9-11 months

Ok, I know she is globally delayed, but this hurts so much to hear, read or even think about. I hate these appointments. On a daily basis (if you take out therapy sessions) I feel Mia is 'normal'. When we have these appointments I have to face it, she's not a typical kid. What is 'normal' to me isn't the norm. I am so proud of her for what she can do, but I am so sad for what she can't do. Sad for her and sad for myself. Sad that things are so much harder for her and she has to work so hard to do things that come so easily to other kids. I hope and pray that one day she will 'catch up' but the truth is after these kind of appointments that hard for me to see. If you can't see it, you can't achieve it, right? One of her goals is to stand alone and kick a ball. I would love to see her do that, but it's hard to invision!!

I am very upset about the fine motor. I asked so many times in Hawaii for Mia to have OT and was told so many times, she didn't need it. When I realized she did need it I was already fighting for the ST that they didn't want to give her that I didn't fight for the OT. I am mad at myself for that, I let Mia down. If I don't fight for her no one else will.

So I am not a drag I want to end on a happy note. I was told that if Mia does something more than 50% of the time to consider the answer YES. I had to laugh, I explained to her that Mia is very stubborn, there are things that I know she can do IF SHE WANTS TO. She actually beleived me. When I would tell the care coordinator and therapist that in Hawaii they would look at me like I was crazy, or making things up. So the teacher asked Mia to touch her head (which is something she CAN do!) and she wouldn't do it. The teacher said: " Can you ask her to touch her head? When I asked her she just looked at me (which she will stare at you like you're nuts)." I said I would try but if she doesn't want to do it she won't. Well, she wanted the teachers suitcase full of toys so she wouldn't even look at me. I gave up. A little while later more questions: "Can Mia clap her hands if you ask her to, without showing her?" (Mia at this point was playing with toys...paying no attention to us). I didn't even get a chance to answer and Mia looked up at the teacher and started to clap!!! The teacher laughed so hard! Then she said "If you tell Mia you smell with your nose..." And Mia started pinching her nose!! She asked the question: " Does Mia perform for social attention?" NO! Then all of a sudden Mia starts clapping with the loudest clap I have ever heard from her, rolling her hands (for roll em and roll em) and just plain being silly!! I said I guess I lied when I answered the question!! Mia was on my lap because she kept trying to take the teachers paper. I went to put her back down and I pointed at the doggy and said, go get the doggy, woof, woof. As I placed her down she said what sounded like DOGGY!! The care coordinator and the teacher both at the same time said DID YOU SAY DOGGY?!! I said well she is pulling out all kinds of moves that I haven't seen, next thing you know she will be walking down the hallway!!